Sadly, as a result of the hand job’s relegation to the realm of pubescent fumblings, many of us are clueless about what to do with our hands when they’re full of our partner’s private parts. How difficult can it be with boys, you ask? Just rub it up and down till it shoots, right? I admit that, in general, guys are a little easier to handle, but there are still some things you can do to give him a hand job he’ll remember.

Get him going even before he gets his pants off with a little crotch massage. Just be sure to let him out before you break something. Especially if he’s wearing tight pants. If there’s a zipper involved, be careful. Once you free his willy, lube it. Unlike us girls, guys (especially circumcised ones) don’t self-lubricate, and dry stroking ain’t fun.

I find it easier if I’m on top, straddling his hips. This way, if you press your groin up against his, you can pretend you’ve got your very own penis to play with. Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man (ReganBooks) by Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman (is she a gay man?) suggests that gay men prefer to give hand jobs lying on their backs straddled by the recipients. Personally, I find this gives me less control. I like to have him at my mercy.

Once he’s lubed and you’re comfy, try something Anderson and Berman call the “up, twist, over and down” technique. Circle his penis so the back of your hand is against his stomach and your thumb is under the tip. Use the other hand to grab the base to give you more control and keep him fully at attention. Then, slide your hand up, twist, glide over the head and slide back down. Repeat: Up, twist, over down, up, twist.... The trick is to find his rhythm and speed. When in doubt, ask questions. If he’s too far gone to speak, develop a code: one groan means yes, two means no.

I’m not even sure you call it a hand job on a woman. “It’s a clitoral massage,” a girlfriend suggests. Oh yeah, that rolls right off the tongue. Let’s call it a hand job for simplicity’s sake. Which doesn’t mean giving a woman a hand job is simple. There are more parts, and many of them are less obvious. It took me years to get it right, even on myself.

The most common complaint I hear from women is that men go for the goods too quickly. Again, before she’s even got her pants off, let your fingers do some crotch walking. Since there’s no worry you’ll break something, you can keep her pants on even longer. The greater the build up, the less work when you get there. Even once you’ve got her pants off, don’t go straight for the goods. Brush along her hipbones and her pubic hair. Run your fingers gingerly across her vagina every so often, and you’ll have her begging for more. Don’t give in yet.

Again, get comfy. When it comes to diddling a woman, it’s less about getting a good grip as coming at it from a good angle. If you lie beside her on your back you can come from the same angle she does when she plays by herself.

When she looks about ready to hump the cat if you don’t give her a little more action, kick in with a move I call “the slide.” Curve your finger into a crescent shape and slide it over the clitoral hood, continuing down between the lips to just inside the vagina, curving your finger along the upper inside wall. Without lifting your finger, slide back out again and retrace the same crescent shape. Repeat. If she’s not slippery enough to do this, she may not be ready. You may wish to add some lube.

Most women I know don’t like fingers directly on their clitoris. Stimulation through the hood will usually do the trick. Practice by putting your middle fingertip flat against the tip of your nose. Now gently roll the tip of your nose around, keeping your fingertip flat. Wiggle it back and forth once in awhile, go back to rolling. Slide up and down the bridge. (Now look around the bus to see how many people are staring at you while you’re reading this and practising.)

Knowing when to increase pressure and speed is the trickiest part. If you change pace at that crucial moment, she’ll lose it. You’ve got to learn when to stick with it, which is why it’s important to get her well on her way before you get to this stage. Less finger cramping.

Find out what works best for your partner and keep practising. Proper handling can really put you in touch with each other.