Dear Josey,

I’ve been dating an old friend for about a month, and he recently revealed that he doesn’t like that I don’t shave my legs (something he knew about before we started seeing each other). He says it affects his physical experience and gave me an ultimatum: Shave or we can’t be more than friends. He feels that within relationships, people should change “little things” like that for each other, while I believe that if you like each other’s personality, you should get past small physical things that you’re not into. I think he was really shallow to break up with me over this. I know unshaven legs are not the norm, but why make a big deal out of it? I guess I’m looking for reassurance that this isn’t going to happen with every guy I meet.

Hair Today, Him Gone Tomorrow?

Dear Hair,

I agree with your guy that people should be willing to change “little things” for each other in a relationship. Maybe you can start with: “Honey, how about you never give me ultimatums in our relationship?” Whether or not the request is reasonable, phrasing it as an ultimatum sets a tone of, “I’m immovable, and I don’t feel like I can ask for something difficult in this relationship without framing it as a threat.” That just doesn’t seem healthy to me. Beyond that, I’m not so sure shaving your legs is a “little thing.” For some women, it has huge sociological, cultural and political implications. What if you asked him to shave his legs? It sounds ridiculous, right, but is it really any more ridiculous than him asking you to do it? Since most men don’t shave their legs, women have to live with that physical “experience,” and you don’t hear us complaining. We live in a culture that says to be feminine, you must be hairless, and that’s simply not something every woman is comfortable with. You have to decide for yourself whether this is a “little” change. If it means a huge change in lifestyle (because, let’s face it, hair removal requires a fair amount of energy whether you decide to shave, wax or go the electrolysis route) and goes against your beliefs, then it’s not “little.” If it’s not a big deal, maybe you could have a discussion about it rather than having him issue an ultimatum. As for whether this is going to happen with every guy you meet, I’d like to say no. While there are no doubt plenty of guys out there like your man, I have met — and heard from — many guys who prefer their women au naturel, and who, further, feel they have no right to dictate what a woman should or shouldn’t do with her body. Maybe you need to find yourself one of those.

Dear Josey,

I think I blew it with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for about three years and everything was going great until last weekend. We had a great Friday night together at her place and the next morning we got up, had our coffee and she headed off to her usual Saturday morning tennis game. As she was leaving, I asked her if she wanted me to do anything while she was gone and she said, “Surprise me.” So I decided to clean her apartment. While I was cleaning the bathroom, I decided to really surprise her and used her makeup to paint myself up. I went all out with foundation, blush, eye shadow and lipstick and then finished it off by painting both my fingernails and toenails. When she saw me, she got pissed and called me “queer,” “tranny,” etc. I just thought I was being funny! Then she said I had to replace all her cosmetics because I’d got my germs on them. I cleaned up and we went to a department store where I spent over $300 replacing her makeup and at each counter my girlfriend made sure she told the gals at the counter why we were there. When we got back to her apartment, she bagged up her old cosmetics, gave them to me and said I could play “makeup” all I wanted at my apartment, but not at her place. Things got back to normal, but I think she overreacted and now has me pegged for someone I’m not. My hunch is, this is the beginning of the end. What do you think?

Makeup Meltdown

Dear Makeup,

You couldn’t just stop at cleaning her apartment, could ya? If you had, she’d probably be pegging you as the best boyfriend ever instead of a closet transsexual. But I’m with you on this one. While granted, walking in to find your boyfriend in full drag queen makeup, complete with painted fingernails and toenails would be a little disturbing, but, after the initial shock, I’d probably be laughing too hard to even think about what kind of germs you may have left in my blush. Besides, I’m presuming the two of you probably kiss each other and have sex, right? Is she concerned about you getting your germs on her then? The fact that she made you replace everything and then humiliated you in front of complete strangers is not only an overreaction, it’s plain cruel. She also sounds like a bit of a homophobe to have reacted with such barbs. You may feel like you blew it, but it sounds to me like she overblew it. If it is the beginning of the end, you might have done yourself a favour by causing her to show her true colours. If a silly incident like this is a deal breaker for her, I’m not sure I’d be so worried about making up on both fronts.