Dear Josey,

After 10 years of a faithful Catholic marriage, I find myself wanting more sexually. But I’m having trouble asking for what I want. We’ve been in counselling for three years. Although I wouldn’t want it all the time, the idea of being in control appeals to me. I’d really like to be able to penetrate her vaginally, then anally, and orgasm in her mouth. It would be a great sign of her acceptance of me, but at the rate we are progressing, I’ll never even ask. Can you suggest a tactful way to request what I want? Any dos and don’ts if we ever do get there?

— Praying for Better Sex

Dear Praying,

Obviously the way you’ve worded your letter, a faithful Catholic marriage does not include sexual adventure. Which is sad. I know the Catholic Church is big on this whole “sex should only be about procreation and not just for fun” stuff, but do you really believe being a good Catholic means sex should be a monotonous drag? Of course you don’t.

Congrats for seeking counselling, though. That’s a good start. Mind you, I have to wonder, with the slow progress you’ve made in three years of counselling, whether you’re with the right counsellor. It can’t hurt to shop around and see if another approach might be more helpful to the two of you.

That said, it’s true that changing your sex life in a long-term relationship can be one of the hardest things to do. You’d think that after being with someone so long, you’d be able to tell your partner anything. Often, though, the longer you’re with someone, the deeper into routine you fall, the harder it is to change and the tougher it becomes to tell your partner what you’d really like. It’s also hard not to fear our partners will think we’re perverts, freaks or that we’ll hurt their feelings, and they’ll leave us.

Have you told your wife how much it would mean to you to let you try these things? Ask her if there are things she’d like to try that would please her so she feels like you’re not the only one getting special treatment. Look at your relationship outside sex. Are you getting what you want and need in that department? I am a true believer that the sex we’re having with our partner is a reflection and extension of the relationship. Therefore, the frustrations you're having when it comes to sex are probably mirrored in some way in the relationship. You can’t fix the sex without looking at how your relationship functions.

As for dos and don’ts, whenever you’re venturing into new territory and taking a lover with you, respect is the key. Check in, make sure she’s OK, take things slow, stop whenever either of you feels uncomfortable.

You can make anal sex more comfortable with lots and lots (and lots) of lube. Let her set the pace and draw you in as her sphincter relaxes rather than have you push your way in. If you’re moving from vaginal to anal sex, don’t move back again as you can transfer bacteria from her butt to her vagina. As for coming in her mouth afterward, well, I can see her hesitation. Would you want to swallow your come after your dick’s been in her bum? I’ll let you two sort that one out.

Dear Josey,

How long does it take for sperm to die outside of the body? My boyfriend and I had a debate going and we even asked our moms.

— Sperm Watch

Dear Sperm,

I’d like to have been at the dinner table for that family chat. Here’s the deal. Sperm can live in a woman’s body up to 72 hours, or about three days. Outside of that lovely, warm cozy nest, sperm stands less of a fighting chance, and lives only a few hours. Too bad, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be fun if they were like sea monkeys? You could set up a little sperm aquarium for them and watch them swim and play.

Sadly (or not so sadly, depending on your desired outcome), unless sperm makes it to the opening of the vagina and manages to squirm it’s way in, its pretty much toast. And once it dries, you can’t even add water and bring those little buggers back to life. Hey, what can I say? I didn’t design the stuff.