When administering a concrete enema, I wonder at what point it dawns on you and your boyfriend that concrete hardens. Obviously, the 20-year-old guy who showed up in the emergency room with a concrete cast of the inside of his rectum way back in 1987 was a little slow in realizing this.

According to Dr. Peter J. Stephens and Dr. Mark L. Taff, who documented this case in the American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology, this patient “had used an enema containing a concrete mix, which became impacted and required surgical removal.”

The doctors reported that “upon further questioning, the patient said that approximately four hours earlier he and his boyfriend had been ‘fooling around.’ After stirring a batch of concrete mix, the patient laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45-degree angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum. After the concrete mass hardened, it became so painful that he sought medical care.”

Talk about cementing your relationship.

Luckily, it was nothing that some anesthesia, anal dilation, the insertion of a couple of catheters and some suction couldn’t fix. The surgery resulted in the anal birth of a half-pound hunk of concrete in the shape of the inside of this guy’s ass. Though instead of placenta, the ass stone was coated in fecal matter.

I’m open to a lot of things, and there is little that can shock me after years of writing about everything from people who have sex with animals to dildos that allow me to watch my cervix on TV, but I have to admit, I’m still always a little taken aback by the things people are willing to shove inside themselves in the name of sexual adventure.

Like how do you even come up with the idea of shoving a kangaroo tumour up your bum? Some guy did exactly this, according to a list of “rectal foreign bodies” collated by Dr. David B. Busch and Dr. James R. Starling for Surgery Magazine back in 1986. Wait a sec, where do you even get hold of a kangaroo tumour?

Obviously, much more accessible are bottles and jars as they top the list with 32 recorded cases of bottles and jars up butts. Food items like bananas, cucumbers, carrots and zucchinis up your butt make some sense, I suppose, but an apple? Or an onion?

Shoving a light bulb up your bum just seems like asking for trouble, as does shoving a glass rod, a beer glass or any of the other generally highly breakable glass items people have apparently rammed up there.

Or that got there “by accident.” Like the shampoo bottle that got lodged in a guy’s butt when he “slipped in the shower” or the flashlight that got stuck when another guy tried to get a good look up his own bum hole. Seems the flashlight had no batteries in it and was facing the wrong way.

I’m not sure what kind of story you come up with to explain why you ended up with a tobacco pouch or a magazine in your bum. Or a frozen fish. I guess you just tell the truth, as the frozen fish man did. According to the San Francisco paramedic who answered the call, the guy admitted he had done something really stupid and had inserted the fish head-first up his rectum. “After two or three ‘strokes,’ as he put it, it thawed out enough that the dorsal fin extended, making removal next to impossible.” I guess they eventually, uh, fished it out.

Balls are popular bum insertion items, be it a baseball, a tennis ball or a billiard ball. In fact, cement-butt boy was a ball player, too. When they chipped a layer off his ass stone they found a plastic ping-pong ball.

And you might want to think twice next time you flip your eggs. You don’t know where that spatula’s been, or that spoon, tin cup, ice pick, knife sharpener, mortar pestle or any other number of kitchen utensils people have apparently shoved up their butts. Though I don’t know how you fit a whole toolbox in your bum. On the other hand, a peanut just seems silly: All the embarrassment without any of the bum-stretching pleasure.

I would hope that it would be painfully obvious but please, people, promise me you won’t try any of this at home. Because you know, it’s all fun and games until someone ends up in the hospital with a frozen pig tail in their ass.