“Mommy, daddy, can we puhleeeaze get a hot babe to our room, puhleeeaze!”
“Now Junior, what did we tell you when we decided to take our family vacation in Las Vegas? No hot babes!”
“No fair. I bet all the other kids who come to Vegas get to order hot babes to their room.”
Welcome to Vegas, weirdest family vacation destination in the world. When I decided to tag along on a photo shoot the hubby was hired to do in Vegas, I expected “Disneyland for adults” to be, well, full of adults. I was a little taken aback with all the families strolling down the strip while flatbed trucks with huge billboards offering to deliver “hot babes” who “want to meet you 24/7” rolled by every few minutes.
To be honest, I didn’t know what to expect. Vegas is one of those iconic places like New York or L.A. depicted so frequently in popular media that you feel you’ve already been there before you ever go. However, the reality left me slack-jawed. This wasn’t Disneyland for adults, this is the place where all the morals of America come to die… and overeat thanks to 24-hour feeding troughs. I mean buffets.
And sex? Well, as long as quantity and not quality isn’t an issue, that, too, is all-you-can-eat. As long as your wallet is as big as your appetite. A member of our party ordered a “hot babe” to his room and dropped $500 for an hour.
We were on a tight budget, so imagine our joy when we came across a flyer offering a two-for-one special with Sammie and Kindra for only $39! Sammie and Kindra looked pretty hot, and the flyer read “actual entertainers” so I figured there wouldn’t be any surprises. We called. “Sammie” answered and proceeded to tell me it would be $150 an hour per girl. But I’ve got a flyer for your two-for-one special, I gleefully announced. “Oh, that’s $39 off per girl, so it would be $111 per girl, per hour. Oh, and we can’t guarantee you’ll get the girls in the picture on the flyer.”
Right, so apparently gambling isn’t restricted to the casino floor. However, I guess the girls in the picture could be actual entertainers and the special did involve the amount of $39. Technically, it wasn’t false advertising, and what guy is gonna quibble when it’s 3 a.m., he’s already dropped a load gambling and has heavily consumed the non-stop free drinks on the casino floor.
If two-for-one isn’t your cup of tea, with a mere browse through one of the many multi-box corner newspaper stands you can have your pick from flyers offering college girls, young blonds, mature women in their 30s (excuse me!), 40s, 50s or 60s, barely legal Asians, and even affordable college girls for the budget traveller. Oh look, this one promises girls in 30 minutes or less or it’s free. Just like ordering pizza. Only you provide the dough.
Or how about an out-on-the-town excursion like “medical school night” at Body English nightclub where “Ladies in their naughty nurse uniforms drink free champagne”? Unfortunately, I hadn’t packed my naughty nurse uniform. Or a naked hula hoop contest? Or “I cheated on my boyfriend and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” night at Jet nightclub?
Luckily, on our last night in Vegas, we ventured downtown to the old strip, which appealed to my retro taste with its sky-high neon cowboys and showgirls. Wandering through The Golden Nugget made me feel like I was in a James Bond movie. The steak and lobster dinner at Vic & Anthony’s that night was about the sexiest thing I experienced in Vegas. Two-inch bone-in rib-eye cooked to absolute juicy perfection and a three-and-a-half pound lobster that had me drooling. We forewent the $18,000 bottle of wine, but the waiter recommended a lovely $50 bottle that perfectly complemented our sexy feast.
Unfortunately, we didn’t see the Vegas episode of rebel chef Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations until after we got home, or we would have gone for some after-dinner “ass juice” shots at the Double Down, a divey bar off the strip. However, a local bartender recommended a wonderfully seedy local watering hole called The Griffin, where there was nary a tourist in sight. It was a nice climax to an otherwise decidedly unsexy visit to so-called Sin City.