CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22) The Man’s tryin’ to hold you down, but he’s havin’ problems ’cause your heart’s too damn big. Help yourself with some happiness. As long as your spirit remains light, he’ll have more trouble than an orangutan tryin’ to hold down a hot-air balloon!
LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22) You’re not completely crazy, kiddo. Your fantasies of livin’ in fat city are finally on the horizon. You’ve just gotta keep your peepers peeled for the exit the next couple of weeks so you don’t pass it by!
VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22) Imagine the universe is a classroom and the all-seeing deity you’ve chosen to worship is your teacher. The next week or so will be much like mid-terms. Keep your eyes on your own paper or risk gettin’ a rap on the knuckles and a cosmic “F” for cheatin’!
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22) The leaves have fallen and the lushness is gone, leaving you bare and cold. It’s not quite autumn yet, but you always were ahead of the curve weren’t you, smarty-pants? That’s okay, maybe spring is closer than you think, too....
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21) Thinkin’ you’re better than everyone else is sure to set you back the next few weeks while Mercury is retrograde. It’s the curse of comparison. Can’t you just be happy with the knowledge you’re incredibly good?
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21) Maybe the only way for you to find freedom this week is to fail. If it’s true that you get what you give, what exactly do you get when you give up?
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19) The idea that strength means being hard is often illusory. You see, the only true way to overcome all is by being soft. Prove it? Look at a stream or a hoodoo. Who’s shapin’ who? The soft wind and water or the rock-hard earth?
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 18) After all that toil and trouble, your cauldron’s finally startin’ to boil and bubble. That’s what happens when you keep the heat on consistently under the same pot. You can actually cook something!
PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20) Just ’cause your dreams come true it don’t mean your troubles are through. In fact, they might be gettin’ bigger. That very same success has made you a target of envious discontent and someone is bent on pullin’ up the stakes from your tent!
ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19) Oh dear. Just when you figured you had ’em wrapped around your li’l finger, the scale tips. Now you notice that maybe they’re the ones who have you wrapped up in them.
TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20) What at first seemed like a refreshing moist towelette has turned into a wet blanket and it’s startin’ to suffocate you. You’re gonna have to throw it off ’cause no one else will. At least it’s summer and you won’t have to worry about catchin’ a chill!
GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20) Feel like Charlie Brown and wondering why everybody’s always pickin’ on you? Maybe it’s ’cause you haven’t learned your lesson yet. Seriously, how many times does she have to pull away the football before you kick her instead?