AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 18)

You’ve been watching the world and you’ve learned much from all you’ve observed. Now you have the opportunity to take this accumulated knowledge and put it to use. The problem is you’ve got more crazy ideas than you can shake a new ager at. Well, you ain’t gonna get nowhere unless you get together all the ones that’ll really work and retire the rest.

PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20)

Time to face some facts, fishie. You’re a spawn of spirit and the only way you’ll be able to hold your head up with pride in the pond is if that’s the school you swim in. Trying to be an evil eel and slinkin’ around will only end up with you gettin’ eaten.

ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19)

A little bit o’ luck will drop a couple bucks in your pocket this week. Now, this’ll generate an unusual number of “friends” hanging around like flies on you-know-what. Spending money on sugar to attract and capture this army of insects who will help you conquer the world just won’t work. Once the sweet stuff’s gone, so are they.

TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20)

You’ll be a lot happier (and probably richer) in the long run if you look at people in a different way. Being the sign closest to Earth, and sometimes known as gardener of the zodiac, you should know the planet only pays you aplenty if you treat it proper like. You need to nurture it and be kind. And aren’t people walkin’ chunks of Earth? Just 80 per cent H2O with some carbon, zinc, iron and whatnot? Plant a seed in one, be kind to it and watch it grow.

GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20)

Okay. So you put one and one together and got three. Although that’s what happens every time, it ain’t exactly what your math book taught you, is it? Don’t worry. You can’t help it. Take comfort in knowing that you may be nuts, but at least you’re not insane.

CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22)

Well kiddo, this is it. Time to make the big decision about what you’re gonna do, now that you’ve made one about what you’ve done. As much as you love everyone, keep ’em at arm’s length this week. As a water sign, it’s easy for you to stay on the surface and reflect those around you. What you need to do now is dive into your depths and find out just what is down there.

LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22)

Victory is in your grasp just ’cuz you’re sovereign of the savannah and you kick ass! As far as you can see, all is yours. No one dares defy you in your domain. Well, not “no one.” Okay, lotsa people. Oy! Whatta headache it is keepin’ a kingdom, huh?

VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22)

With Mars retrograde in your sign the next three months, you’ll soon realize you’re not really in control of the situation anymore. The waves keep crashing down and you keep going deeper and deeper. It’s funny, isn’t it? They say that drowning is one of the more peaceful ways to go, but who woulda thought it felt so good?

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22)

Only a fool believes financial success equals pleasure. Sure, it can for a while, but if your pleasure comes solely from things you can get only by being rich, your life becomes a bitch. If pleasure comes from just being alive then it don’t matter whether you’re successful or not... which is exactly why you will be. You see?

SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21)

You’ll be pretty tempted in the middle of the week, but gettin’ your kicks by usin’ your poison stinger on the people around you will get you in deep doodoo. Everyone knows that to get rid of a scorpion, you surround ’em in a ring of fire and they’ll sting themselves to death. Won’t you? Care to find out?

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21)

Cast off the chains of oppression binding you, slave! Whether it’s someone else’s ego, your own fears, or Babylon system, this week you can break free. It won’t be easy but the cosmos will give you the tool to do it. Beware! Wrought in the fires of a dragon’s head, this wondrous whatchamajig must be wielded wisely since you can use it only once.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19)

Just be yourself and... waitaminnit. Let’s put that another way. Just be your best behaved self (or at least make it look that way to everyone) and the situation will be swiftly swept to solution. This week it’s low-pro or no-go!