LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22) This is a week for you to right a wrong through the time-honoured tradition of revenge. The best bet for gettin’ back at ’em? Why, beatin’ ’em at their own game. Shouldn’t be that hard since you’re better at it anyway!
VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22) It’s the end of an era, so you might as well party like it’s 2099. Just make sure you realize there will be a hangover. Meh. You’ll deal with that when the time comes, right?
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22) Dig this little haiku for // you, Grasshopper: the caterpillar dies in order // for a butterfly to live.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21) Hey, the only person you have to blame for puttin’ your head on the block is you. You’re the one who wanted to play martyr. At least the chop’ll come chop-chop!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21) Until them two stop fighting over you there ain’t much you can do outside of waitin’ for the dust to clear. Hey, sometimes bein’ stuck in the middle ain’t too bad, is it?
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19) Watch out for the weekend, you wild and woolly goat. Lose yourself to your animal instincts at your peril ’cause if you’re not careful, you could end up locked in a cage.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 18) Once you get good at something, it’s only natural for you to take it over. The only problem is once you do, it becomes more important to you than everything else. Like what? Like, say, the feelings of your loved ones.
PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20) This may sound silly, but you should look forward to next week even though you’re going to screw up and lose many friends. Why? Because at least after next week you’ll know who your real friends are!
ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19) Screw ’em all and just do it, whatever it is. If you listen to them, or think about it too much, you won’t and then you can bet you’ll have regrets. Besides, who cares what them chumps have to say anyway?
TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20) Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut. Why? Because it’s war and loose lips sink ships, ya dip. You didn’t start it, but if you play it smart, you’ll definitely be the one to put a finish to it.
GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20) Your life’s been a bowl of cherries lately and unlike Erma Bombeck’s , it seems yours are pitted. No, your problem is you’ve got so many they’re startin’ to go bad. That’s what you get for keepin’ them all to yourself!
CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22) You’ve been takin’ enough “medicine” lately to drop a draught horse. Sure, it makes your life a little more bearable... but what about you?