VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Like any newborn, the endeavour you’re bounding into needs help to survive during this sensitive period, so play the part of the mewling, feeble infant. That way, by the time you hit the terrible twos, your tutors’ll already be too attached to try and return you. This week, be as cuddly as you can before you begin undertaking your plan!
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
The watchword for this week is economical. Savin’ greenbacks don’t mean you can’t be the stylish fashion plate you were born to be. Fashion’s about recyclin’ anyway, so you just gotta go to the double V for killer duds, dumpster dive to add some dash to your décor, and go garage salein’, where you’ll dig up goodies galore!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll have innumerable opportunities to operate on a purely primal level this week, but perhaps some contemplation should be attempted before jumpin’ into that primordial pit. Especially as to why one particular person who holds a persuasive power over you is so happy to help push you over the precipice. Look at how they’ll profit before you leap!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Backstabbin’ can be easy with the bow ’n’ arrow set. You can hit the bull's-eye from blocks away without getting’ any messy hemoglobin on your new fall outfit. But hopefully you’re better than that, and you can see that if you ain’t where you wanna be, only hard work, and not bein’ a jerk, is what will set you free!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Before the weekend you’ll be like Midas, and everything you touch’ll turn to gold. Just don’t let it get the better of you. When things get so well this suddenly, people tend to get a li’l loopy. Be sure not to make the same mistake, and when your ego hits overdrive this week, put your foot on the brakes!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’re not the type to say “hey, that’s OK,” and be quietly content with not gettin’ your way. That’s why it’s weird that in the past li’l while, the part of you responsible for pursuin’ your dream hasn’t been given time in your daily routine. This week that’ll be endin’ with the mental and physical energy the cosmos is sendin’!
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20)
In the middle of the week, it’ll be cartoon light bulb time and solutions of all sorts’ll pop into your mind, the most meaningful being a peaceful resolution to a recent disputation. Not only will you be in a happier place, it’ll increase your reputation and you can profit from your wisdom through your skills in mediation!
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
You, impulsive? Never! You’re far too clever to jump into either the fryin’ pan or the fire. Except, that is, in matters of the heart and desire. Then you’re in like Flynn and fully fervent to let those flames flicker at your feet, one blazin’ with love and the other with hate. Too bad you never notice the hotfoots until it’s too late!
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Destruction! Mayhem! Havoc! Turmoil! Are these things for a Taurus to fear? Nay! You can face the chaos with dread but richer men have said that war is good for the wallet. Ever hear of the military-industrial complex? They’re makin’ fistfuls until folks lay down their pistols. This week, you’ll have your own opportunity to profit from pandemonium!
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Now hold on a second there, speedy. Before you undertake your devious plot, you might wanna make sure that when the dust clears, you can stand proud and say “Ain’t no flies on me” at the end of that day. Y’see, what they buzz around ain’t sugar or shinola, and you’re gonna be chock-full of it if they know your plan ain’t honest after examinin’ it!
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You’re the maternal sign of the zodiac and mommas make do with less when they got a young’un in the nest. If you want what you’re tryin’ to nurture to one day become fully mature, you’re gonna have to give up something you love but that is useless. Success depends on your judgment here bein’ ruthless!
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You’re a fire sign and, like a flame, you jump from log to log in the flick of an eye. This weekend though, you could jump too far or high and find yourself on wet wood with which you’ll have an awful fight just tryin’ to ignite. Before you don’t get burned, think it over twice and seek out some friendly advice!
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