Wil Andruschak

Mussels at Divino

Food and sex have been together for as long as people have been eating and doing it — perhaps because both satisfy a basic physical human need, or because hunger and lust are such similar and passionate drives. One often begets the other, and sometimes they overlap. Good food can be as effective as foreplay, so here are some of the sexiest foods to be found in Calgary, if you’re hoping to get some.

DINNER IN BED

There’s nothing sexier than having someone cook for you. If you’re culinarily impaired, there are plenty of chef-run takeout places around town you can call into service. (The catchphrase at The Main Dish, where mint pistachio leg of lamb is the Saturday night special, sums it up: “take me home and make me hot.”) If you want to skip the going out part entirely and start your evening in bed, Mis en Place in Lakeview (11 6449 Crowchild Tr. S.W.; www.misenplace.ca), Forage in Marda Loop (3508 19 St. S.W.; www.foragefoods.com) or The Main Dish in Bridgeland (903 General Ave. N.E.; www.tmdish.com) will feed you well. (Don’t worry, you won’t be the first to transfer their food to your own dishes and pass it off as homemade.) Bring some plates, forks and a bottle of wine to bed, and be prepared to wash the sheets.

MUSSELS AT DIVINO

On the subject of sex and food, my painter friend asked if I had ever had the mussels in garlicky white wine broth at Divino. “They always serve the big ones,” she told me. “They are almost exact replicas of the female genitalia. Whenever my husband and I are out for dinner there and I start eating them we both break out in foolish snickering, and often the waiter comes over to see if everything’s all right. I have yet to come up with the perfect one-liner while offering an opened, succulent, aroused mussel for him to taste. I'm sure I'm not the only person who's admired the physical similarities. Oh God… what if I am?”

Divino is located at 113 8 Ave. S.W.

FINGER FOOD AT BRAVA BISTRO

Eating with your fingers is sexy, and sharing your food in a dimly lit bistro makes it even sexier. Brava is also well-known for its mussels (served at both locales in the proper Belgian way, with frites), but here you can also get lobster poutine — layers of crispy, slender pomme frites, chunks of lobster meat, shellfish butter sauce and mascarpone cheese. (Picking up the plate to lick it clean when you’re done is also a huge turn-on, or at least a good litmus test to see if he or she is really that into you.) Also sharable — prawns and spicy Spanish chorizo with smoky paprika, sherry and toasted foccacia to mop up the juices and a three-cheese platter served on a dark wood board with fruit, candied pecans and Raincoast Crisps.

Brava Bistro is located at 723 17 Ave. S.W.

SALTIMBOCCA AT PULCINELLA

Never mind that the whole scenario brings to mind images of sweaty Italian men in tight, white, floury shirts, shovelling pizzas into a wood-fired oven as though they were shovelling coal into a blazing steam engine. (Yes, I realize this imagery doesn’t work for everyone.) Even the menu at Pulcinella is sexier than most romance novels — besides all those Italian words, it’s illustrated with black-and-white images of open-mouthed people leaning in to receive and devour something, presumably delicious enough to distract them from the fact that they’re getting their picture taken. On the dessert menu, saltimbocca (Italian translation: jumps in the mouth) is an oval of warm, chewy pizza dough, freshly baked, split open and slathered with Nutella, then closed and cut into gooey fingers that drip molten chocolate down your arm if you eat them while they’re still warm. The menu says it’s for two, but if you’re out with a group it will satisfy every sweet tooth at the table. Go in the afternoon or after a movie for espressos and saltimbocca — if you attempt to split one after already downing a pizza, you’ll be undoing your pants for a completely different reason.

Pulcinella is located at 1147 Kensington Crescent N.W.

STICKY DESSERTS AT NECTAR

When you can’t afford dinner out at an upscale restaurant, you can afford the ultimate dessert experience at Nectar Desserts in Inglewood (open until midnight). Sink into one of Nectar’s Paris-apartment velvet couches and share a fabulously plated dessert. Stickiness begets lustiness, so a good choice might be the sticky toffee pudding — Medjool date cake soaked in whisky caramel, served warm with vanilla bean ice cream and poached quince. To wash it down, the house drink, a nectar royale, is made by slipping a spoonful of organic honey into a glass of sparkling wine. If the goal is to be up all night, try a sultry double shot of espresso poured over organic honey ice cream.

Nectar Desserts, upstairs is located at 1216 9 Ave. S.E.