Every week, desperate Calgarians reach out to each other in the Fast Forward Weekly I Saw You section. From lost love to inside jokes and the occasional ongoing game of chess, you never know what you might find. In the interest of digging up some hidden gems, we at Fast Forward recently read through a year’s worth of these little notes. Here’s the best we could find. If you think you can do better, remember — they’re always free to submit. (Note: I Saw Yous are printed as submitted, typos included).

Most oblique political commentary:

Johnny, I am not quite ready for giraffes, I can do everything else for you though. From soups to tickling, I will operate. Was and is your best friend since the jeep days, little cabbage. P.S. I bet you it is Obama.

Soundest advice:

This is a reminder to those of you who drive: Bike messengers are paid by lawyers to be on time. DO NOT HIT BIKE MESSENGERS. The lawyers who sent them would like little better that to ruin your entire life for fucking up their day.

One to grow on:

How do you think the Avocados get here?

Most likely to have been high while submitting:

Dude I’m sweet at this level, I’m winning wanna play wanna play with me hugh? hugh? start wars lego I am winning!!! Wanna play?

Most disturbing:

To the owner of the vibrator that I found on the sidewalk outside Diner Deluxe. WTF?????

Best postcard story:

Sean, Elena would like to suck on yo gingaballz. All the papers are in the glovebox. Jarrod is drunk.

Best deal:

Wanted: One muse. Can pay in immortality.

Most curious disclaimer:

Please disregard any rumors you may have heard about John Will squeezing cats. Thank you.

Most sacrilicious:

Sister, I saw you quaffing the sacramental wine and using communion wafers to make S’mores. Repent, you gluttonous heathen.

Best ongoing conversation:

Rye, you’re out of rehab. Can’t visit cause school across ure street. Won’t violate parole not when ure so close. We could be clean 2gether J

J, u disgust me. Meet me in our back ally with the GOOD stuff Friday nite & I’ll think about forgivin u. U better make it up to me. Xoxo, Rye

Rye, sorry I missed the meet, got picked up for lewd conduct. After bail I’ve got enough to buy the primo stuff you love and 6 condoms. Friday at 10.

Rye, can’t believe u told bout my prob. Doc says not contagious, unlike your Hep B. Restraining order ends xmas,1 year since stabbing. Meet4NewYears? J

J, sry I missed u on xmas. husband bak in town. found the KY-Jelly, no more slip ups. so u better learn how to pls me or find another grl. xoxoRye.