Scott Kowalchuk

Skinny jeans? Really, Calgary? This is the fourth year in a row skinny jeans have won worst new trend. What have you got against skinny jeans, dear readers? Are you too big to wear them or just too cheap to buy new pants? I can understand not wanting to look like an ice cream cone but sometimes it’s just about finding the right pair or adjusting your eye to a new silhouette.

Now, I agree they aren't for everyone, and to those of you who recognize yourselves in that statement, thank you for not wearing them. Lucky for you, and the cheapskates, the bootcut is still widely available.

But if you think skinny jeans are bad, just wait for the new, and more extreme, version of the trend — the jegging. It's a jean legging! Just when you thought skinny jeans couldn't get any skinnier, this is a legging that you’re supposed to wear as pants. I’m preparing to see a lot more of what you got.

So, I’m a proponent of skinny jeans, but voting ’80s fashion as the second worst trend is something I can get behind. You could forego the jegging and try on a pair of super high-waisted, pleated jeans. Now that’s flattering. You could even wear them with your ugly-ironic-Cosby sweater and your fringe boots. Bitchin’.

I remember what I wore in the ’80s and none of it was good. Some of that may have been due an undiscerning eye, but I still cringe at seeing it re-created for a new generation. I can't help it. Torn acid-washed denim and fluorescent leg warmers seem dated. It feels a little like someone remaking a film that was bad to begin with.

The things I liked about the ’80s were the elements taken from previous decades — the shoulder pads of the ’40s, the crazy colours and tiny waists of the ’50s, or the futurism of the ’60s. There are still elements from the ’80s I can find beauty in, but it doesn’t include those damn upside-down-arm glasses you’re all wearing.

Then there’s the third worst trend: Ed Hardy. This clothing line has not only ruined rhinestones for me, but has also made me regret getting tattooed. You think it says Ed Hardy on your bedazzled ball cap, but it actually says douche-bag. That is all I see while riding behind you on the escalator, staring into the poorly rendered eyes of an appropriated Japanese tiger on your hoodie. It’s not on your arm where the real Ed Hardy would have tattooed it back in the day, but on your overpriced T-shirt, motorcycle helmet, shot glass, cellphone case, etc.

Sure, it’s less commitment than a real tattoo, but you will need that bottle of Ed Hardy-designed Christian Audigier wine to dull the pain of the cost of looking like every other L.A. wannabe. It’s a California tattoo esthetic as envisioned by a glad-handing French “designer.” That’s probably why the wine isn't half bad.