Whether you want to drill a hole in a pumpkin and pump away, say hot, embarrassing things to your lover, have a one-hour orgasm, role play, or touch someone all over their body, these books will help you get there.

• Dirty Talk: Speak the Language of Lust by Lynne Stanton (Chronicle Books, 128 pp.) — There’s nothing worse than trying to talk dirty in the sack. Sure, most of us would prefer something other than the usual series of grunts or occasional “fuck yeah,” but how do you say something like “You’re the king” or “You’re so huge, you’re almost too big!” without bursting into hysterical laughter? Other chestnuts in the “how to” manual Dirty Talk include:

“Do you want to touch me there?”

“You have the most amazing cock in the world.”

“My God, I am so wet and horny.”

“Please be gentle with me. I’ve never done this before.”

“You are the master.”

“No, you can’t touch me. I won’t let you.”

“Go down on me.”

“Take me to bed immediately!”

“I see how hard you already are!”

“You can go all night, can’t you big boy?”

“Get inside me right now!” or the sadder, “Do you want to be inside me?”

Yikes. Does all dirty talk sound like a poorly translated instruction manual, or something from a criminal investigation? The book also turns its attention to some soul-crushing, role-playing, “our relationship is dying” type of games and activities (one of which involves blindfolding your partner and getting them to play what looks like a more tawdry version of pin the tail on the donkey). If there is a way to talk dirty without creeping your partner out or causing them to laugh at you, you won’t find it in this book. Tell your girlfriend you want to enter her “secret garden” and get ready to be slapped in the face.

• Make Your Own Sex Toys: 50 quick and easy, do-it-yourself projects by Matt Pagett (Chronicle Books, 128 pp.) — An utterly useless book to own, unless the apocalypse should occur and you’re left without batteries or the ability to visit your local sex shop and buy toys. Many of the “toys” suggested in the book are either just phallic-shaped fruit, or other objects you can easily drill a hole into and fuck. I guess that’s making your own sex toy, although it just seems to be a guide to humping household objects. Most of the “toys” are things you’d find in your junk drawer — bubble wrap, a ping-pong paddle. The other, more, uh, “inventive” projects are either squirm-inducing (the “sloppy sock” and “ball rub”) or just dangerous (would you really risk using a hand-carved wooden dildo?). Avoid.

• The One-Hour Orgasm: How to Learn the Amazing “Venus Butterfly” Technique by Bob Schwartz, Ph.D and Leah Schwartz (Griffin, 192 pp.) — Not a new read, but a trusted old friend. Let’s just say this anonymous writer has some hands-on knowledge of this one. The One-Hour Orgasm teaches you how to torture your lover in the best damn way possible. You win, because you get to have total control, and they win because, well, read the bloody title. Designed more for couples that know each other than one-night stands, this book is, um, fun. I need a girlfriend.

• The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy: How to Turn Your Fantasies into Reality by Violet Blue (Cleis Press, 250 pp.) — The latest in Cleis’s “ultimate guide” series, with advice both practical (don’t put a carrot in your butt) and introductory (tips for those just beginning to explore kink). Violet touches on everything from how to convey your fantasies to your partner, exploring non-monogamy and a soft introduction to basic BDSM. While her own advice is pretty cursory (and much of the book is taken up with excursions into dull erotica), she provides a comprehensive listing of websites, books and resources for sex toys.

• Red Hot Touch: A Head-to-Toe Handbook for Mind-Blowing Orgasms by Jaiya and Jon Hanauer (Broadway Books, 195 pp.) — Covering everything to do with hands for him, her and both at the same time, Red Hot Touch is sort of terrifying for listing some things that people should freakin’ know already, but don’t. “Your finger is not a penis” and shouldn’t be used as such is just one example. That said, I’m sure everyone has experienced the dreaded less-than-knowledgeable lover (I have twice received what I can only describe as a squeeze-job, but that’s a story for another time). However, this book does list some great-sounding techniques to go along with the straightforward. There are also some great names for said techniques: Jilling Off (think jacking off, but with a clitoris), The Juicer (rubbing your hand around the head of his penis like you’re juicing an orange) and, my personal favourite, the Double Decker Clitoris Sandwich Deluxe (read the book).