Just as things could be getting hot, a sloppy sentence, string of horribly corny metaphors or an irrelevant passage derails the story. Here is a roundup of erotica mistakes that irk our inner literary snob and meticulous editor, and therefore should be banned from the erotica lexicon forever:

• Piss slit — Gross.

• Ass lips — If your asshole has lips, then you have probably been anally fisted every single night for a decade and are wearing a diaper full-time. Not hot.

• Skinsuit — We like play piercing. We don’t want people to think that play piercers are freaks because they refer to their epidermis as a “skinsuit.”

• References to Rufus Wainwright, brand name import beers, the Internet, Brokeback Mountain, magazines we see on the newsstand everyday as well as Urban Outfitters or any other big-box store where you bought that white skintight T-shirt. These are boring details that no author outside the genre would ever dream of using.

• “His cock flopped around like some sort of silky fish” — Almost all bad erotica seems to be about anthropomorphic genitalia.

• Savoury balls — Yummy.

• “Her fingers smelled like scrolls of some ancient spell” — Totally hot if you play Dungeons and Dragons. But probably not.

• Nectar — Yes, women are goddesses who sometimes cum buckets of slurp-worthy stuff during G-spot stimulation, but unless you’re writing about a Dionysian festival of debauchery, skip it.

• “My own private dick-feast” — Wrong on so many levels.

• “His hands pawed and kneaded her elastic globes” and “he played her like a perfect flute.”

• Milking — Moo!

• Rut — take my dick-feast you moo cow!

• “His soft tube steak rolled like a beached Moby Dick” — Gross and literary!

• “Puckery noose” — Try and figure out what this means.