| Who doesn’t love movie freebies? Imagine the joy of being presented with a genuine Leonard Part 6 toilet brush, or a pair of Godfather-brand orange peel joke teeth? Okay, those items don’t actually exist, but these next ones do. Listed here is a jumble sale of kitschy movie freebies from the past. Such extravagant giveaways are becoming increasingly uncommon, but every now and then, a generous studio will present audience members with cheap plastic junk in an attempt to prove that showmanship is not dead. Some of these items were handed out at opening-night raffles, some came in press kits, and some actually went out to every single ticket holder, but hey, free is free!
· Screaming Axe Keychain – Kull the Conquerer (1997) – To promote this watered-down Conan the Barbarian wannabe, select lucky viewers were given battleaxe-shaped key chains at its sneak preview. In keeping with the aims of the film itself, the little novelties didn’t resemble lethal weapons in any way, but were rather the bluntest, roundest, pudgiest, cutest li’l barbarian weapons you’d ever hope to see. Seriously, if this thing’s a battleaxe, then "My Little Pony" is an Arabian warhorse. It did have one redeeming feature – when struck sharply, the little plastic gonk would let out a piercing scream. Of course, you know what happens when you let a bunch of screaming-keychain-possessing people into a boring movie, don’t you? I’m surprised I was able to make out any of Kevin Sorbo’s stilted lines amidst the tinny cacophony of shrieks and the guilty chuckles of the perpetrators.
· Dapper Dan™ brand pomade – O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) – Who wouldn’t want to grease up his hair all purty-like after seeing George Clooney in this fantastic depression-era version of The Odyssey? A trivia contest was held online, with winners being awarded their own tins of the distinctive pomade. If you want some, you’ll have to wait a couple of weeks. Huh? Why yes, son, this place is a geographical oddity, and we are, in fact, two weeks from everyplace. Watch your language, young feller, this is a public market!
· Bath Soap – Fight Club (1999) – Now this was a cool item. Not only was it a tremendous in-joke for fans of the film, but after you got bored of it, you could use it wash the stank off your useless yuppie skin. And yes, it makes total sense to promote the year’s most hyper-masculine film with a little pink bar of soap. Don’t question it. Do you want me to go over the rules of Fight Club again?
· An Actual, Honest-To-Goodness Rat – The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972) – Actually, this one sounds like an urban legend, as accounts differ over whether legendary schlockmeister Andy Milligan really gave out rats, whether they were alive or dead (or plastic), or if Milligan simply proposed the idea as a way to thin out his rat supply after making the movie. It may be a terrible freebie, but it makes for an interesting story, and Milligan had a great proposed tagline: "A free rat – for your mother-in-law!"
· Emergency Road Kit – Breakdown (1997) – This unusually generous promotional item was an actual hard-plastic emergency kit, containing such items as booster cables and road flares. The idea was that after watching the movie, the last thing you’d want would be for your car to break down in a rural area.
· Plastic Coin – Zotz! (1962) – This weird little movie involves a magical coin. If you say the word "zotz!" while holding it, you can slow down time, and if you say "zotz" while pointing at somebody, you can kill him with magic. Gimmick king William Castle made this flick, so naturally he handed out hundreds of little plastic Zotz! coins for the kiddies, which must have provided seconds of fun until the little tykes realized that they didn’t actually work.
· "Ghost Viewer" – 13 Ghosts (1960) – Castle strikes again, with the incredible power of "Illusion-O"! This noted gimmick flick incorporated little cardboard-and-mylar viewers that the audience was expected to use in order to make the ghosts visible onscreen. There were two coloured strips to look through. One caused the ghosts to glow brightly, while the other made them almost invisible – a feature presumably for people with an antipathy for ghosts. Audiences were urged to take their ghost viewers home and try them out in the attic. The 2001 remake did away with the gimmick, and changed the title to Thir13en Ghosts, which I suppose is pronounced "Thirthirteenen Ghosts." |
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