| NO Means NO.
It made sense on paper (especially the radical university newspaper I was editing in the early ’90s.) It also struck quite a pose on a T-shirt. But as an anti date-rape strategy, I’m not so sure it held up in reality.
Terry Humphreys agrees. Speaking at this year’s Sexuality Conference at Guelph University on "The Negotiation of Sexual Consent in Adolescence and Young Adulthood," the assistant professor in the department of psychology of Trent University describes the No Means No campaign as "unrealistic and overly simplistic." Sexual consent and sexual communication are much more complex than a simple yes or no, he says. Which is perhaps why the slogan – developed by the Canadian Federation of Students over a decade ago – is so easy to mock with T-shirts that read "NO means buy me aNOther drink" (pulled from store shelves last year), "No means eat me out first" or "It’s not rape if she blinks twice for yes."
As offensive as these are, Humphreys believes they are in direct response to the equally unreasonable message of the No Means No campaign. "Consent is more of a process than a one-time event," says Humphreys. On top of that, teens say it "kills the mood" to talk about it beforehand. Some of you may remember Antioch College and its over-the-top 1996 policy (still in effect, but hardly effective) requiring all staff and students to obtain verbal consent at every stage of a sexual encounter. Can I kiss you? Can I touch your leg? Can I undo your pants? You get the absurdity.
"Verbalizing before or during is not part of normative sexual script for young adults," says Humphreys. It’s not for old adults either. I doubt the last time you had sex with your partner you walked in the room and asked, "Honey, can I have sex with you?" More often than not, it’s a touch or a look that communicates we’re good to go.
Obviously, in a less-established relationship, like a hook-up, these idiosyncratic signals are not as established, but in surveys, Humphreys discovered young adults rely much more heavily on non-verbal sexual communication, be it direct – pulling out a condom, for example – or indirect – she’s not giving me any stop signs so I guess it’s OK to keep going.
Even verbal communication is often indirect. After all, "Wanna see my bedroom" is easier to say than "Wanna fuck?" And while men and woman may both be equally considering sex on a first date, women often don’t initiate, not through lack of desire, says Humphreys, but because in our culture, women who openly initiate are still considered, well, sluts.
On the other hand, "I don’t want to have sex with you" is a little rude. So, most of us, especially women, refuse sex in the same way we refuse most things in life – by softening the blow with excuses, explanations and apologies. "I’m flattered, but I’m sorry, I’ve got to pick the lint out of my belly button tonight."
"Saying ‘no’ without an explanation violates cultural norms," says Humphreys, "and is seen as rude, arrogant and even hostile, but that’s what most campaigns until now have told women to do – just say no and repeat." No Means No also assumes we’re clear from the outset whether we want it or not. How many of you have had sex, even with a long-term partner, without a clear "want it/don’t want it" at the get-go? But, of course, expressing this ambivalence in a casual encounter isn’t always a good idea as it may be interpreted by the guy as his job to convince you. So we say nothing and figure it out in our head as we go along. And, yes, this means, sometimes we do stuff we maybe didn’t really want to. One could argue that we do a lot of stuff in life we don’t really want to for a variety of different reasons, so why is sex any different?
But, as one seminar participant put it, there is a difference between being uninterested in sex and being uninterested and uncomfortable. Mix in some alcohol and it’s even more complicated. Which is why it’s so important to go beyond the simplicity of No Means No and come up with strategies that address the complexity of what’s really going on out there, especially given today’s "jaded, cynical youth population who’s seen it all."
And has the T-shirt to prove it.
This is the first in a series of columns about the Guelph Sexuality conference that will appear in Fast Forward over the summer. |
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