| DOA: Dead or Alive (2007) is supposed to be in theatres by now, but it isn’t, which is making me a little bit cranky. Not only does this based-on-a-video-game flick look like it could be the most gloriously stupid film of the year, but it seems to consist entirely of bikini-clad women playing volleyball and fighting in kung fu tournaments. Maybe it won’t win any Academy Awards, but this sounds like precisely the sort of flick that can be a lot of fun, provided that you don’t expect it to be any good. Plus, it’s got Jaime Pressley in a halter top, kicking pirates in the head. I can totally get behind that.
Disappointment in DOA’s non-release started me thinking about other bikini-clad kung fu battles in films, and before long, I was reminiscing about the coolest, stupidest, most insane bikini melée of them all: The Vampire Raiders (a.k.a. Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen, 1988).
Never heard of it? I’m not surprised. Most of the dusty old VHS tapes that house this unique travesty have probably disintegrated by now. Still, if you rented this vampire ninja comedy back in the day, there’s probably at least one scene that still sticks in your memory.
Some background info. Despite the credits on the box, The Vampire Raiders was directed by one Godfrey Ho, a cunning scavenger of film who used to buy unreleased or unfinished Asian action films, dub them into English, edit in new footage, and release the resulting chimera-like monstrosity on an unsuspecting video-renting public. Ho’s new footage was always completely unrelated to the existing film, and usually involved Caucasian ninjas beating each other up. It didn’t matter if the main story focused on Columbian drug lords, illegal underground boxing matches, or little kids befriending a ghost; sooner or later, the film would suddenly get attacked by ninjas.
Like all Godfrey Ho films, The Vampire Raiders has two distinct plotlines that never intersect. Plot A involves three ditzy but cute office ladies, who get caught up in a series of wacky misadventures involving the living dead. Plot B involves two American secret agents battling colour-coded ninjas and Chinese hopping vampires. The stories are mixed 50-50 – we’ll get about 10 minutes of dubbed Scooby-Doo antics, followed by about 10 minutes of pink, yellow and purple ninjas throwing smoke bombs and running up trees.
The bikini fight I mentioned earlier occurs about 25 minutes in, when the entire film stops in its tracks to watch a foxy blond in a beige bikini sunning herself on the beach. She’s got one of those squared-off Jamie Lee Curtis hairstyles, and is wearing bad ’80s sunglasses. No, not aviators – these are wide, visor-like white-framed shades of the sort that a character might wear on The Muppet Show to indicate that he or she is a space alien.
The camera pans slowly over the woman’s tanned skin, as she oils herself up with suntan lotion, does stretching exercises and takes a dip in the ocean. Then a Chinese hopping vampire, dressed in Ming dynasty robes and clown makeup, erupts out of the sand and attacks her. Nonplussed by this invasion of privacy, the woman assumes a fighting stance and kicks the (un)living bejesus out of the giggling undead pervert.
It is more or less at this point that I stood up and announced aloud; "I, John Tebbutt, take back every nasty thing that I’ve ever said about Godfrey Ho."
Back to the bikini fight. Our oiled-up heroine is kicking so much ass that another Chinese hopping vampire joins the fray, forcing bikini babe to make a frantic magical gesture that transforms her into a ninja. Now she’s battling the undead while wearing a shocking pink ninja suit instead of a beige bikini, but it’s still pretty damned cool. For some reason, the scene ends abruptly, without giving any indication as to who won the battle, and cuts to a bustling downtown location, where the foxy blond is now fully dressed and casually chatting with a friend. I fully expected her first line to be something like "So that was how I spent the weekend. And you?"
The remaining film isn’t nearly as memorable as the iconic swimwear fracas, but it is watchable, which is rare for a Godfrey Ho production. Plus, the finale is a gloriously surreal battle between ninjas and vampires, in which, among other things, we’re treated to the sight of our heroine Pink Ninja destroying a flying vampire head by shooting fireworks out of her sleeve. Let’s see you top that, Jaime Pressley!
…Please? |
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