| It happens to the best of us. That fascinating-looking DVD you rented turned out to be an utter snore, but you can’t bring yourself to switch off. Every cell in your body is screaming to hit the eject button, but you’ve paid for this travesty, and when friends ask later if the film is any good, you want to respond with the credibility of a viewer who stuck with it until the end. But how to make the next 90 or so minutes tolerable?
· Boring Romance –You’re in luck here. Boring romances have such straightforward and predictable plotlines that distractions cause very little damage to the narrative. Take this opportunity to build a fort out of seat cushions.
·Uninteresting Foreign Kid’s Show – Turn off the sound and provide your own dialogue. Study up on your dirty jokes beforehand, because this is going to be the most obscene Quest to Find Mr. Mongoose’s Hat ever.
· Dull Action Flick – Good grief, is the chief of police ever going to let tough cop McCarroway off the leash so he can invade the drug kingpin’s mansion full of henchmen? Time for a snack run! Don’t hit the pause button – just nip into the kitchen and see what’s what. How much time you spend here depends on how bored you are. If the climactic gun battle is only 10 minutes away, just run back with a bag of chips. If you’re suffering through the slow-paced second act, open the fridge and stare at the meagre contents for awhile, or rearrange the spice rack. If it’s clear that nothing’s going to happen for a long, long time, make lobster thermidor.
·Tedious Sports Movie – Gee, will the gruff but lovable coach ever turn this team of misfits around in time to win the big game? There are just so many ways this scenario could turn out! If you find your excitement waning, whip out your Nerf™ Maverick™ six-shot revolver, and tag the plucky athletes with suction-cup darts! Give yourself extra points for direct hits to the helmet or buttocks, and try for multiple bull’s-eyes every time there’s a slow-motion close-up. D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996) actually works much better as an interactive sniping simulator.
· Slow-moving Slasher Flick –The heroine has been walking backwards through the haunted house for 10 minutes now, talking to the serial killer she can’t see. What started out as suspenseful has become downright ridiculous. Since the killer never speaks in these movies, provide a voice for him! That’ll make the heroine’s "conversation" with him much less one-sided.
Doomed Girl: "Hello?"
Hi there!
DG: "Who’s out there?"
Its-a me! Mario! Etc.
Every time there’s a sudden noise, startling the heroine and a nearby cat, yelp like you’ve stubbed your toe. Be sure to make the killer’s voice as cheerful and high-pitched as possible.
· Pompous, overblown Sci-Fi Epic –You rented this one hoping for monsters, explosions and laser battles. Instead, you’re watching embarrassed actors standing completely motionless in ridiculous costumes, while speaking…
Very…
Very…
Slowly…
About…
The…
…
…
…prophecy.
……………………
Aaaaaarrrggghhh! Do something! Even shooting Nerf darts at these dimwits brings no satisfaction, because their immobile robed forms don’t present challenging targets. An hour into the running time, you’ve seen 32 different kinds of stupid hats, but no rayguns. The characters never stop talking about "the prophecy," unless you count awkward pauses, which occur before, after and during every line. How will you ever make it to the end credits?
Use your own creativity to liven up a film that has none. Begin with origami – construct a paper hat, and put it on. Then make a paper sword. Stand up and yell "You fools! Besh K’bibblebabble is not the Chosen One foretold in the prophecy! I am! Bow down before me, or I will unleash my army of Foodledroids upon thy craven asses! Bwaaa ha ha!"
Sure, you’re still watching the same stupid movie, but now you’re the main character! The pause-heavy screenplay should give you lots of opportunities to talk back to the idiots onscreen. Just be sure that the nonsense words you make up are sillier than the ones in the film. |
Copyright ©2007 FFWD. All rights reserved.