| So The Simpsons Movie opens this summer, which is fantastic, but makes me wonder – what is this movie going to be like for people who haven’t seen the TV show? Yes, I know, everybody’s seen the show, but still, what if? Perhaps, in some faraway Simpsons-deprived land, a print of the movie will screen to a bewildered audience, who must scramble to keep up with a huge stable of familiar-to-us characters that has been slowly growing for the past 17 years. (Egad! Has it really been that long?) Imagine the stony look of incomprehension on the face of the first-time viewer, while the rest of us squeal with excited recognition. "Look, it’s Bumblebee Man! And Cletus, Hank Scorpio, Johnny Tightlips, Cookie Kwan, and Professor Frink! Hahaha, look! Mr. Burns and Smithers just had an awkward moment! Don’t you get it?"
You can experience that same feeling of head-scratching alienation yourself by watching Knights of Ramune (1997) and Time Bokan (2002) – two Japanese cartoons that I’ve been putting off writing about for some time now. The problem is that these English-language DVDs are followups to huge multi-episode story arcs that aren’t available in North America.
Time Bokan is a 60-minute DVD divided into two parts. The first chapter is a Wacky Races-style robot relay, in which a bunch of costumed buffoons compete in order to have the honour of being the villains in the next episode. So what we have here are seven ridiculous giant robots zooming down a country road, each ‘bot piloted by a team of three bumbling villains who try to cheat their way to the finish line. Dirty tactics and "secret weapons" misfire spectacularly, as giant boulders drop at the wrong time, and cheaters get obliterated by their own orbiting laser satellites.
All quite fun, but a little mystifying, since Time Bokan makes constant reference to the TV episodes that led up to this titanic battle – all seven years of it. None of these previous shows have ever been translated into English, but apparently the first season had a trio of villains, consisting of a bristly thug, a sexy girl and a skinny guy with a big nose. The second season had a different bristly thug, a different sexy girl, and a different skinny guy with a big nose. And so it went, for seven years, until all nearly-identical baddies were brought back for this massive reunion/free-for-all. It’s like a wrestling match between all the dopey blondes from Three’s Company. ("Chrissy’s got Cindy in a headlock! But wait… here comes Terri off the top ropes!")
The inside jokes continue in the concluding episode, in which other popular Japanese cartoon heroes (Speed Racer, G-Force, et al) make cameo appearances. The villains also spoof popular anime tropes by staging "the Ultimate Anime," which they promise contains everything essential to the art form – giant robots, schoolgirls and panties. When an army of nerds show up at the theatre to see this masterpiece, they’re met with five seconds of a giant robot wearing a school uniform and panties. Gotcha! Oddly enough, there’s a great deal more panty-clad robot action later in the show. Crazy stuff, best appreciated while in a giddy mood.
Knights of Ramune, on the other hand, tells a story (?) that doesn’t depend much on the hours of TV episodes that preceded it. That’s fortunate, because none of that stuff is available in Canada. We’re introduced to "Parfait" and "Cacao," two buxom "Holy Virgins" who serve as general purpose do-gooders for some kind of mystical order. Their specific duties are a little unclear, but they seem to involve getting naked a lot. Like, a lot. Seriously, one of the order’s holy rituals involves wearing Saran Wrap and faking an orgasm, and the giant robot they pilot is operated by sitting in a hot tub. We’re told that clothing interferes with their mystic abilities, or something. They’re searching for a guy named "Ramunes" who turns out to be the bad guy, even though he was apparently the hero of the TV series, which was a family-friendly tale of a schoolboy who got caught up in a world of adventure. Now he wears big evil shoulder pads, laughs maniacally at everything and feels up his submissive henchwomen. It’s like seeing Daniel Radcliffe go from Harry Potter to the mental patient in Equus.
With its vague story and poor dubbing, there’s not much to recommend Knights of Ramune other than its constant T&A. Well, apart from the opening credit sequence, which I love. It’s got one of the catchiest theme songs ever, accompanied by just the right blend of wackiness, action and cheesecake. The trailer is exactly the same as the opening credits, only without the nudity. I’ll happily listen to the Ramune theme song over and over again, but the show itself will just reinforce everything your grouchiest friend says he hates about anime. Fortunately, there’s much better Japanese animation out there, including some choice offerings at Otafest this weekend (see elsewhere in this issue for details). Sayonara! |
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