| Dear Josey,
I am a 49-year-old straight man and my sex life is non-existent. I masturbate at least three or four times a week, which is something, but I don't want to hire a hooker, for health and moral reasons. Could you please give me some guidance?
Dear Trying,
Make some effort to meet someone who might want to have sex with you? Get over your moral and physical prejudices about sex workers? Honestly, what other guidance can I give you? I’m not sure why your sex life is non-existent but you have to either find a way to make it existent, hire a hooker or keep masturbating. Considering that May is Masturbation Month (see "Quickies" below), that last option might be appropriate. After all, one of the purposes of Masturbation Month is to counter the idea that masturbation is a poor second cousin to sex. Because you, of all people should know, when you ain’t getting any, masturbating isn’t just "something," as you say, it’s "it." So, until you figure out a way to find yourself a bedmate (be she professional or not), you might as well enjoy yourself, literally.
Dear Josey,
My girlfriend and I have great sex. I can finish in most positions except when she’s on top. She can only finish on top. I prefer penetration while she prefers rubbing against me while on top, which gives me ingrown hairs. I’d be able to make her come orally but she doesn’t like me to go down on her. Any tips?
Dear Finishing,
That does sound like some great sex. Like two peas in a pod. I’m not sure what sex manuals you’ve been reading, but I’ve obviously been reading the wrong ones if great sex equals sexual frustration. Let me make it simple for you.
You can finish in most positions. She can only finish in one. You do the math. It sucks her preferred method gives you ingrown hairs. But no orgasm for her versus ingrown hairs for you? Again, do the math. Then, go get yourself an exfoliant and some Tend Skin from a local spa or pharmacy (exfoliate your crotch when you shower, then apply the Tend Skin with a cotton pad afterwards). If you like penetration while she’s on top, maybe she can indulge you in a poke or two before she starts doing her genie lamp act. But you do realize why she’s rubbing, right? Most women don’t come from penetration alone and need some clitoral rubbing or stimulation to get off. If she doesn’t like you going down on her, how about giving her a hand job or some manual stimulation during penetration. Same rubbing effect, no ingrown hairs – win/win.
Dear Josey,
If sex with women is so good (the only women who complain about never reaching an orgasm are straight women), why do women even bother with men (aside from making babies)?
Dear Male,
And what with recent studies coming out in which scientists are discovering how to make sperm out of things like bone marrow and embryonic cells, we eventually might not even need you guys for that baby thing. Good thing a few of us straight girls actually like some of you for more than sex. As for that pesky orgasm problem, you’re probably right about that, given the advantage of intimately knowing our way around the equipment, a woman might have an easier time getting another woman off. Then again, following that logic, why don’t all men just have sex with other men? Maybe it’s because, like women who want to be with other women, it usually works best in the long run if you’re gay! As for straight women being the only ones who complain about never reaching orgasm, I’m sure there are a few lesbians out there counting the ceiling tiles.
Quickies
As I mentioned earlier, like Christmastime for wankers, Masturbation Month is here again. This year, when you’re not using your hand to celebrate this annual event, try your hand at Sex Shop Canada’s Masturbation Month 2007 Toy Story Contest. Go to joseyvogels.com and click on "Weekly Link" to enter for your chance to win $300 worth of sex toys!
When you’re done pulling your pud, head out to the garden to pull some weeds… in the buff. Already in its third year (who knew!), May 5 is World Naked Gardening Day! Go to wndg.org for more info. |
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