| They gather in a menacing clump around the hero, only to attack him one at a time. They’re the first ones to throw open the cell door/mysterious glowing box/alien pod/Ark of the Covenant. They’re the guys entrusted with escorting Mr. Bond to the execution chamber, which is on the other side of the flimsy little catwalk that extends over the shark tank. Who are they? Why, they are expendable extras of course, and they are not long for this world.
There seems to be a limitless supply of these brave but foolhardy souls, who so willingly sacrifice themselves on the pyre of "adding a few action beats to the Third Act," but their contributions should not go uncelebrated. Join us then, in this memorial to the numerous movie and TV characters who always snuff it before we can even learn their names. Expendable extras, we salute you!
Riflemen on Balconies – Any Western worth its salt is bound to have a treacherous marksman up atop a tavern or bordello, crouched behind a weedy little breakaway handrail. The audience doesn’t even know he’s there until the steely-eyed hero suddenly whirls around and fires a single round from his revolver. That’s the cue for ol’ Crosseyes McRoofshooter to go "Ouch!" and "Thud!" as he freefalls from his perch.
Castle Guards – These armoured thugs at least get to show off their flashy swordsmanship before they die, but let’s face it, Erroll Flynn is going to stab them all under the armpit. Nevertheless, these guys are all fully committed to their task – capturing the escaped prisoner. Sorry fellas, but it’s just not going to happen. Not when it’s two against one, not when it’s three against one and definitely not when the hero is swinging on a chandelier, kicking candelabras at everybody. Ask any guard, there’s just no defence against that kind of thing.
Horny Teenagers in Slasher Films – The thing about horny teens is that they can’t hear the theme music, so they can never tell if they’re in Friday the 13th or American Pie. If they could hear how scary the music was getting, they’d zip up their flies and run for it.
Stormtroopers – Their armour doesn’t work, they can’t shoot straight, and it takes them five minutes to open a door. It’s hard to believe the Empire could take over a Tim Horton’s with this sad bunch, much less an entire galaxy. Nevertheless, we love to see these guys in action, as they bravely lose every gunfight they ever participate in. Let’s quickly run through a few of my favourite Stormtrooper deaths, shall we?
· Shot on a catwalk over a bottomless chasm in the Death Star; grunts and falls.
· Drives his speeder bike straight into a tree. Kapow!
· Stands too close to a Wookiee wearing fake handcuffs. Yikes!
· Actually takes the time to set up a gun tripod while the Millennium Falcon prepares to take off; shot by Han Solo. Hey, I wasn’t ready!
· Lassoed by angry teddy bears. Sure hope nobody saw that…
· Bumps head on door; dies of shame.
Henchmen – They walk around Blofeld’s secret underground lair performing obscure tasks, wearing jumpsuits and helmets. When the secret agent escapes, they all arm themselves and die pointlessly. But at least they get to ride on that neato little monorail thingie! Yay! Their lives and deaths go largely unnoticed, except in a series of clever deleted scenes from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997), in which each martyred goon is grieved by friends and family members. Finally, some respect for the poor schmuck who got in the way of the steamroller.
Redshirts – Quite possibly the most beloved of all expendable extras, these guys gave their lives to illustrate the imminent danger in many an episode of Star Trek. Viewers chortle with glee every time an away team is assembled, consisting of Kirk, Spock, Bones and a guy in a red shirt. We’ve never seen that guy before and we never will again. He wears the slightly bewildered expression of a man who is uncertain of his function on the ship. All he knows is that the director told him to stand over there next to that big monster. Action! Aieeee! Cut! Good take, everybody! Tony, go pick that red shirt up off the lava pit, will ya? We need it for the next guy. OK, people, break’s over! Places for scene #36; "The dramatic appearance of the soul-sucking energy being!" |
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