| Zombies tend not to complain much. For the vast majority of walking corpses, the worst is over and the best thing to do is just go with the flow.
Got a sudden hankering for brains? Hey, no problem, there’s some brains over there, inside the skulls of those screaming teenagers. I’ll just go have a snack right now… no reason to run, I’m not that hungry.
Getting shot at? No big deal. Doesn’t even hurt, really.
Lost an arm? Huh. Look at that. Oh well, I don’t really have the mental capacity to appreciate arms, anyway.
Some zombies will show vestigial traces of emotion, notably enthusiasm for the hunt, or rage over being locked in a closet or something. Of the select few zombies that retain their intellect, or at least seem aware of their fate, some exult in their perceived invincibility, and joyfully plot to take over the world (bwaa ha ha), but such creatures are not the focus of today’s column. I would like, instead, to take a good look at zombies who are not only aware of their situation, but are a bit miffed by it. For these unfortunate individuals, death is merely the beginning of an extremely bad day. Sure, you’re dead, but you still have to make that PowerPoint presentation at nine, or you’re fired. Better heavy-up on the deodorant – you’re not going to get the promotion smelling like that. Oh great, the dog’s run off with your leg – now you’ll miss your bus etc.
· Night of the Living Dorks (2004) –This oddball German flick adds walking corpses to the horny teen comedy genre. Think of it as American Pie with zombies. A trio of unpopular nerds gets zombified by accident and finds it much easier to stand up to bullies at high school now that they’re stronger and immune to pain. At first, the boys revel in their newfound confidence and popularity, but the disadvantages of undeath become impossible to ignore. Will the faculty find out that the nasty gym teacher’s been eaten? How many dropped-off body parts can be reattached via staple gun? Will the hot cheerleader notice that the head geek’s testicle has dropped out of his pant leg and rolled under the couch? Can the cute goth chick, who harbours a longtime crush on one of our heroes, reverse the spell and save the day?
· Idle Hands (1999) – Critics were not kind to this teen zombie comedy despite its many charms. Devon Sawa plays a pothead slacker with a possessed hand bent on murder and mayhem. The lad tries to soldier on despite this peculiar "handicap" (ho ho), and his portrayal of a hapless victim wrestling with his own fist is every bit as convincing as Bruce Campbell’s similar struggle in Evil Dead 2 (1987). Funniest of all is Seth Green and Elden Henson as a pair of stoner dingbats murdered by Sawa’s possessed mitt, who come back from the dead because the gates of heaven were "way over there," and they couldn’t be bothered to walk that far. Green now has a beer bottle embedded in his skull, while Henson faces the inconvenience of a detached head. Both find things to complain about, despite their generally easygoing nature. At one point, while crawling through an air duct, Green gets the tip of his beer bottle stuck, and can neither back up nor proceed. After a brief, disgusted pause, he mutters "Oh, this sucks!"
· Death Becomes Her (1992) –The quest for eternal youth and beauty reaches its logical extreme in this offbeat satire from director Robert Zemeckis. Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep play characters so determined to retain their sex appeal that they take a magic potion that makes aging and death impossible. The downside to this deal is presented in a series of hilariously escalating mishaps as the increasingly demented rivals deal with such cosmetic blemishes as a broken neck and a massive hole in the abdomen. Bruce Willis plays the hapless makeup artist/mortician stuck between the two of them, applying superglue and spray paint as needed.
· Return of the Living Dead III (1993) – In the first Return of the Living Dead (1985), we learned from a talkative ghoul that being dead "hurts," and eating brains eases that pain. Its entertaining sequel reverses this, and gives us a sexy undead babe (Melinda "Mindy" Clarke) who uses pain to distract herself from her hunger, so that she doesn’t eat her still-living boyfriend. Her multiple facial piercings were quite shocking back then, but today you wouldn’t blink if you saw her in the mall. I’m still convinced that this film influenced the body piercing craze, since Mindy looks as hot and creepy as any goth princess could aspire to be.
· Dead Heat (1988) – When police officer Roger Mortis (Treat Williams) becomes a zombie, he’s not only unhappy about it – he seeks revenge. Roger’s appearance and odour become substantially worse as the flick progresses, though nothing stinks as badly as Joe Piscopo’s one-liners.
· An American Werewolf in London (1981) – David Naughton’s unwilling lycanthrope is visited by his dead friend, played by a remarkably chipper (if decayed) Griffin Dunne, who has a few mild complaints about his situation. It’s one of the most charming zombie performances ever captured on film. Dunne looks ghastly, but he underplays the horror of his situation so winningly, we can’t help but laugh. "The undead surround me. Have you tried talking to a corpse? It’s boring!" |
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