| Some claim it all started with Madonna. When Queen Madge’s biological alarm clock went off, she wasted no time finding an appropriate sperm donor, in this case her hunky personal trainer, to send her off into the next great metamorphosis of her life – motherhood.
The advent of little Lourdes’s arrival opened the fertility floodgates and made it acceptable, if not hip, for women who earned their livings in the public eye to belly up to the bar, so to speak, and take on the role of motherhood. Eschewing the requisite retreat from the spotlight, iconic figures like Demi Moore flaunted their pregnant bodies and basked in the glow of their children’s inner light. Instead of ending their skyrocketing careers, the move to maternity only served to enhance their appeal, granting them the elusive qualities of credibility and more importantly like-ability without diminishing their sexual potency in the least. Thus the MILF was born.
Yes, the crude but succinct acronym for "mother I’d like to fuck" has become a phenomenon on the Internet and beyond, as one female superstar after another takes the plunge and makes the transition from burgeoning starlet to full-blown sex goddess in 9 months or less.
We all know that Stacey’s mom has got it going on, but how about that Gwyneth Paltrow? Or, Cindy Crawford? Julia Roberts? Meanwhile, non-Hollywood maternal units struggle to comprehend the magnificence of Heidi Klum, who holds the prize for the post-baby weight loss, walking the Victoria’s Secret catwalk mere weeks after giving birth to her second child! And don’t forget the other tasty trappings that come along with parenthood. The accessories (stroller envy abounds), shopping for pink or blue in front of the paparazzi has become a classic tease, Annie Leibowitz photo ops (herself a first-time mom at 51), and let’s not forget the endless parade of abhorrent baby names that will haunt the next generation like some environmental pollutant. Apple, Pilot, Hazel, Moses, Homer, Brooklyn, Daisy Boo, Denim, Suri, Shiloh, Kal-el! What the fuck?
Too bad for good old dad. Apparently, the fertility door doesn’t swing both ways. There’s no such thing as a DILF or FILF. While Jennifer Garner has garnered more fans from the mini-van majority by giving birth to darling Violet, the same cannot be said of her husband Ben Affleck, who has only been marginally elevated to "somewhat tolerable" status. Likewise, Denise Richards comes out smelling like roses even though you’d have to be daft to think that terminal playboy Charlie Sheen would change his ways just because he’s got two legitimized daughters waiting in the wings. Reese Witherspoon must have been taking notes. Honestly, who the hell would be dumb enough to hook up with a sleazebag like K-Fed? Well, Britney always said she wanted to start a family while she was young. Obviously, she failed to realize how intense the scrutiny would be once she started to raise and fumble the little dullards. Still, what a PR opportunity! Everytime she commits a rookie parent faux pas, hordes of sympathetic fans flock to her defence. After all, parenting is damn hard work, even if you can afford all the hired help in the world. Speaking of which, how ’bout that Posh Spice? Not that the Beckham ride would be an easy dismount, but still, add three or four geographically dubbed princelings into the mix and she still weighs less than the Chihuahua in Paris’s Louis Vuitton.
Then there’s the scary moms, like the beer swigging, powder nosed, expectant waif Kate Moss. The zombified Katie Holmes. Scary Spice, who’s rumoured to be carrying Eddie Murphy’s next. And Pamela Anderson, the ultimate MILF, who probably dodged a bullet by failing to carry a baby Kid Rock to term. Men know Pammy’s a mom, they’ve seen the homemade porno video, they don’t care that the entirety of her sexual divulgence fails to address the issue of her own personal pleasure. It’s all for the man in her life, the father of her children and supposed bestower of her disease – in one form or another. Do we really care what’s in those jugs? Hell no!
Of course, the eternal game of one-upmanship is elevated to new heights as the latest round of newborn mothers battle for the headlines. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt not only produced the new messiah, but also extended their brood by bringing an adopted child into the fold. Not just a child – children. Not just children – children from developing nations. Not just Third World children – but Third World children of colour! Gasp!
Sexy mom Madonna just had to rise to the bait. Take that Jennifer Aniston! Not only is the childless actress seen as a betrayer, she is easily swept aside. So too for the pseudo-barren stick figure known as Nicole Kidman. Does anyone find her sexy? Too old for the Lohan, Hilton, Richie – crystal meth is the new pilates crowd. Too young to hang with the Desperate Housewives. Not that age is really much of a barrier these days. Thanks to modern technology, more than one 40+ actress is on her way to MILF-dom.
So where does it end? When celebrities are booking simultaneous C-sections and tummy tucks there seems to be no stopping the Hollywood baby machine. In addition, maybe it’s about time that the veil of mystery was lifted from the whole pregnancy/childbirth endeavour. Honestly, any guy who finds himself drooling over a MILF will eventually have to reconcile their aversion to the physical grossness of the beautiful miracle of birth. It is time to drop the libidinous ambiguity of gynophobia that occurs when men suddenly realize they want to do somebody’s mom. Can they really look at a nude picture of Angelina and still be repulsed by her resemblance, actual or perceived, to their own mommy dearest? Please! |
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