| With the cold weather and the holiday season fast approaching, there really is only one reasonable way to keep warm this winter. And while cranking the heat and wrapping yourself in an army of blankets sounds nice, it’s not nearly as much fun as generating heat the old-fashioned way. If you know what I mean.
So what’s the one essential thing you need to assist you on your sexcapades this winter? A mixtape, of course! With that in mind, your good friends at Fast Forward have put together the ultimate mixtape – enjoy responsibly!
As we all know, the most difficult part of sex is actually convincing someone else to have it with you. Thus, we spend almost the first half of the CD in the "convincing" stage:
· "Dear God Please Help Me" by Morrissey – The perpetually lusty and increasingly creepy former Smiths singer gets blunt, singing about "explosive kegs between my legs." Ew. But it’s always good to find new and innovative ways to suggest that it’s time for some lovin’.
· "I Want Your Sex" by George Michael – Subtlety not your thing? This is the song for you. Many valuable lessons can be learned from George here, such as: a) "sex is natural/sex is good," b) "Not everybody does it/but everybody should" and c) the "L" word is best used as a weapon. Don’t tell your special someone that you love them until they threaten to hold out on you. Works every time.
· "Gett Off" by Prince – Be careful about the standards you’re setting here. As the purple one sings about "23 positions in a one-night stand," you have to be a little wary of the bar being set too high. This song is not to be used by beginners.
· "Let’s Get It On" by Marvin Gaye – Any sexy mixtape is in danger of going too heavy on the Motown, but this Marvin Gaye classic cannot be ignored. If words fail you on a regular basis, Gaye’s soft croon makes just about everything seem suave.
With our help, you are very likely having sex by now. The rest of the CD is planned perfectly to coincide with the thrilling highs and crushing lows of a well-spent winter evening.
· "Sex Bomb" by Tom Jones – This song is essential if you are a 50-year-old man having sex, or a 23-year-old woman having sex with a 50-year-old man. Jones’s sex appeal is totally unexplainable but undeniable nonetheless.
· "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith – Full credit to Aerosmith for showing some creativity and taking us outside the box (and into the bedroom… or elevator). This song is sure to generate several great ideas for your extra-curricular activities. Also makes for hilarious "going down" puns.
· "I Want You So Hard (Boy’s Bad News)" by Eagles of Death Metal – This song is part one of the official cardio workout stage. This song will help you and your partner throw all common sense out the window and potentially come down with some serious injuries.
· "Date with the Night" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Nobody sounds more like they are having sex while singing than Karen O., so her squeaks and squeals should keep the pace going. Remember to be efficient – between this and the EODM song, you’ve got four minutes and twenty-one seconds.
· "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy" by Queen – You could learn a thing or two from Freddy Mercury. For example, how to temper a bizarre request ("come on and sit on my hot-seat of love") with a modest one ("I’d like for you and I to go romancing"). This can especially come in handy as things start to wind down and your imagination gets the best of you.
· "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf – In a scant eight and a half minutes, you’ll learn all about how to deal with that awkward mid-sex conversation. Say whatever you need to say at the time, and then just deal with the consequences, even if it means wishing that time itself would end so that you didn’t have to be with your partner anymore.
· "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails – The official show-stopper. If things are going really well (or insanely poorly), break out some of the charming one-liners from this masterpiece: "you let me violate you/you let me penetrate you/you let me desecrate you/you let me complicate you." If your partner, or anyone for that matter, sticks around after that, you’re set for life. |
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