| And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree from Prime Minister Stephen Harper that all the world should be taxed (even income trusts!). And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
And Henry also went up from Okotoks, out of the Municipal District of Foothills, unto the city of David (Bronconnier), which is called Calgary, to be taxed with Martha his espoused wife, who was great with child. And so it was that while they were there the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And Martha and Henry went unto the Calgary General Hospital, where they were themselves delivered years prior. They arrived in Bridgeland, whereupon they discovered the hospital had disappeared. And behold, a man clad in moose hair spake to Martha and Henry about what had transpired.
And the man saith: "The Klein government hath said to the hospital, with much faith: cast thineself to the ground. And the hospital was thereby cast, and we haveth one less hospital in these parts."
Martha and Henry were greatly troubled and put their minds to understand. Martha saith: "Doth we not dwell in the land of plenty? Should not this hospital have been preserved?"
And the moose-man saith: "Behold, the cuts of the ’90s!"
Overcome by sorrow and frustration, Henry rent his raiment and spake thus: "To the Lougheed then."
But alas, the Peter Lougheed hospital was filled and there was no room for Martha to deliver there. Nor was there room at the Foothills or Rockyview.
"This government hath treated us severely," saith Henry. And eventually they went to the Calgary Drop-In Centre for shelter from the frosty elements.
And there Martha brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in old copies of the Calgary Sun, and laid him in a shopping cart because there was no room for them in the hospitals.
Now, when Martha and Henry’s son was born, behold there came wise men from the east – Weyburn, Saskatchewan, to be precise – to celebrate their friends’ new offspring. Along the way, the wise men were hastened through hearing of the alleged boom in Calgary. "This seemeth like good news," saith the wise guys together. But having entered the city on 16th Avenue during rush hour, their biodiesel-fuelled Jetta became jammed in traffic, bumper upon bumper. They became impatient and eventually turned back home, cursing Calgary’s boom along the way.
"It is easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than it is to enter Calgary on that alleged thoroughfare," saith one of the wise guys irately.
And there were in the same country ranchers abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night, as they sat in darkness on land peppered with gas wells.
And lo, the angel of the (Energy and Utilities) Board came upon them, and they were sore afraid, greatly fearing news of more wells on their land. The angel saith unto them: "Fear not, for I bring good tidings of great joy. All of this energy development bodeth well for ye. To persuade you of this, behold! The government offereth a $400 cheque to each of ye. Thine thanksgiving can go to the one party in this one-party state."
The angel saith a good deal more too, but the ranchers could not hear because trucks packed with pipeline roared by on nearby gravel roads like lions. The ranchers saith to the angel: "Alas, we cannot hear ye, for the industrial traffic hath stopped our reception. Speakest thou up."
The angel delivered its pitch again, speaking this time of Martha and Henry’s new son: "I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all Albertans. For unto you is born this day in the city of David (Bronconnier) a new Albertan who shall help you to ease your shortage of labourers."
And suddenly one of the ranchers spake thus: "If thou meanest what thou sayest, and thou dost indeed bear good news for us, then stop these trucks from ripping up our land and cutting into our peace. Go ye and tell thy Board that we protesteth these many wells in our fields. We desireth stronger government regulation."
"Yeah. Prepare ye the way of the Board!" added one of the ranchers.
"And keep thine blinkin’ money," added another of the ranchers.
Having refused the cheques brought by the angel of the Board, and having been greatly afflicted by the BSE crisis, the ranchers could not afford to drive to the city of David (Bronconnier) to visit Martha and Henry’s new child. And Martha kept all of these things and pondered them in her heart, wondering how it benefiteth her or anyone else to live in Alberta while the economy overheateth like an unnaturally large star.
Jeremy Klaszus is the contributing editor at Alberta Views magazine.
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