| Here at the Video Vulture Institute of Very Advanced Science ’n’ Stuff, our researchers are continuing to find new and exciting methods of sending laboratory mice into mazes to find little bits of cheese. (Hey, it beats working.) Our latest experiments involve showing movies to those mice in continuous 72-hour-loops before releasing them into the testing grounds. The Institute’s original reasons for the experiments were nebulous and vague (I think we were all bored or drunk or something), but the test results have been nothing less than astounding.
· Test Group #1 (exposed to John Woo’s Hard Boiled (1992) – Subjects’ aggression levels were increased to unheard-of levels, as the mice produced tiny handguns and massacred one another in a brutal yet strangely graceful free-for-all. Subjects 4B and 5A seemed to join forces, and were particularly adept at leaping through the air in slow motion while mowing down enemy mice that were blocking the path to the cheese. The structure of the maze itself took heavy damage and had to be scrapped after the experiment. Fortunately, no human researchers were harmed in the crossfire. Nevertheless, tiny firearms present an unforeseen hazard. As a precaution, all lab mice will be frisked prior to any future experimentation.
· Test Group #2 (exposed to Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) – Disregarding squeaks of warning from the other mice, subject animal 12Q bravely entered the maze accompanied only by his cowardly backstabbing sidekick. Subject easily navigated past several booby traps with style and aplomb, reaching the cheese in record time. Behavioural scientist Larry Tinsdale observed this experiment up close while eating his lunch, and became so excited that he dropped his orange into the maze itself, where it nearly rolled straight over Subject Animal 12Q. Researchers are reminded that food is allowed only in the cafeteria, not in the lab.
· Test Group #3 (exposed to The Great Escape (1963) – Assorted mishaps from previous experiments led us to put all of the biggest troublemakers into one maze, which was closely watched around the clock. The mice seemed surprisingly co-operative and well behaved for several weeks. Then, one day we came back from a coffee break to find the maze empty, with a tiny hole in the floor that the mice had apparently been digging behind our backs. Researchers are advised to be on the lookout for any escapees. If you see any white mice at large in the building, please contact janitorial services at once.
· Test Group #4 (exposed to test footage) – This group was intended as a placebo or "control" group, and the movies exposed to it were simply video footage of the subjects running through mazes under normal conditions. It backfired – the mice now consider themselves movie stars, and continually make unreasonable demands for bottled water, low fat lattes and large bowls of M&Ms with the red ones taken out.
· Test Group #5 (exposed to The Maltese Falcon (1941) – After several dead ends and double-crosses, the mice finally reached the cheese at the end of the maze. Just for fun, I had the cheese replaced with a plastic replica. You should have seen their faces! Ha ha ha! Stupid mice! Ha ha ha ha!
· Test Group #6 (exposed to The Sting (1973) – This one’s really embarrassing. We watched this maze for hours before realizing that it was a cardboard duplicate of the real maze, set up by the mice and filled with cardboard cutouts resembling the mice themselves. The real test animals had already fled the facility, along with the cheese, my wallet and the keys to my BMW. That does it. I’m never working with rodents again. |
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