| On September 23, 2006, the world’s most reviled film director entered a boxing ring in Vancouver and beat the living hell out of four film critics. The event was broadcast over the Internet where it was a topic of great interest to film buffs and sadists. Just about everybody I’ve spoken to considers the bout to be a delicious comeuppance delivered to a handful of vitriolic movie-haters. I disagree, but we’ll return to that in a moment. First, some background details:
Uwe Boll, director of House of the Dead (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005) and BloodRayne (2005) has managed to attract some of the worst reviews of any living filmmaker. The harshest criticisms come from online blogs and message boards in which barely literate posters attack Boll himself, rather than his films and even go so far as to call for his death. It’s completely understandable that Dr. Boll (he holds a doctorate in literature) would have some hurt feelings over this.
He responded by challenging his critics to a boxing match. By summertime, the lineup of contenders was announced and I immediately recognized the names of two of my personal heroes – Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka and Chris Alexander. Kyanka is the creator and webmaster of www.somethingawful.com, a comedy website renowned for its absurdist (and occasionally cruel) sense of humour. Alexander is a writer for Canada’s own Rue Morgue magazine, a terrific periodical dedicated to "horror in culture and entertainment."
Boll won a decisive "victory" over all comers. Each of the bouts was extremely brief, with only Chris Alexander lasting longer than one round. One boxer left in an ambulance. Spectators from around the world cheered this extremely physical response to film criticism. Not me. I was disgusted by the whole thing from the moment it was announced.
First of all, I’m a pacifist. I don’t mind pretend violence in movies, but I’m against violence in real life. Therefore I’m fine with seeing zombies explode in House of the Dead, but I really don’t want to see Lowtax take an uppercut while his wife and child cringe in the stands.
Secondly, as far as intelligent response to intellectual debate goes, a fistfight is pretty damn unsophisticated. "You don’t like my movies? I beat you up!" What is this, kindergarten? Yeesh.
Thirdly, the people Boll took his frustrations out on were not the people he was really mad at. They were volunteers. When the challenge was originally sent out to all those nameless and unidentifiable web rats, nobody responded. Finally, Lowtax came forward and accepted the challenge, even though he did not meet the criteria posted for competing. The fight was supposed to be limited to critics who had written two extremely negative reviews of Boll’s movies in 2005. At the time of the challenge, Lowtax had not done this. In fact, he had never even seen any of Boll’s films, let alone written about them. (After he signed on, he watched and reviewed Alone in the Dark for his site.) Other writer/pugilists soon followed. These guys agreed to appear in Boll’s latest movie, Postal (set to be released next year) as extras, and to strap on the gloves in what they were assured was simply a publicity stunt. The contenders were simply good sports who wanted to drum up interest in their own endeavours as well as give Boll some free notoriety. Look at Chris Alexander’s delightfully cheerful "Schizoid Cinephile" column, in which he writes about goofy movies like The Brain (1988) and Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983) with an infectiously buoyant sense of enthusiasm. These guys love bad movies. The haters didn’t respond to the challenge.
Lastly, the contenders were signed on under false pretenses. After the contracts were drawn up, Boll stopped pretending the event was just a harmless little publicity stunt, and started taking the fight seriously. Boll is a former amateur boxer with ten years of fighting experience under his belt. The bouts were brutal and unfair. All of the contenders realized in advance that they were going to get their butts kicked, but none of them bailed out or took a dive. They just gathered their nerve, did a bit of showboating, and took their licks. The ever-positive Chris Alexander even praised Boll’s moxie after taking a particularly bloody beating from him. Like I said, these guys are good sports.
For the record, I agree that Boll makes awful films, but they can be tons of fun to watch. Every time one of his based-on-a-video-game travesties is announced, my friends and I gush "That looks terrible! We have to see it!"
There’s talk of releasing a re-edited version of House of the Dead with added ridiculous footage, specifically for the bad-movie fans out there. I can’t imagine how any version of House of the Dead could be funnier than the original, but I’m looking forward to finding out. I just hope Boll will continue to make his uniquely rancid movies and stop beating up on entertainment journalists. We are a soft and fragile species, and prefer sparring with our wits. |
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