| It finally happened. My apartment got so filled up with tapes and DVDs that I couldn’t close the door. "I’ve got to do something," I muttered, as I sucked in my gut in order to squeeze past a teetering pile of cartoons, silent comedies, ninja epics and zombie films. From the back of the living room, a familiar sounding voice piped up; "Help me! Help me!" It was one of my videotapes – an extremely neglected Danish monster flick about a giant defrosted lizard that attacks Copenhagen.
"Shut up, Reptilicus! You’re the one who got me in this mess in the first place!" I snapped.
"But John, I… I love you!"
"I knows it baby. Now quiet down for a minute, Daddy needs to think."
I ignored the stifled sobs and took a moment to reflect. Of course it wasn’t Reptilicus’ fault, it was my own fault. It’s one thing to love movies – I just love way too damn many of them. There was no point in putting it off any longer – I had to cull the herd. Some of these amazing movies have got to go.
When I started this column in 1997, it was partly to encourage people to broaden their viewing horizons, and partly to find a practical use for my growing videotape collection. I love combing garage sales, video stores and bargain bins for obscure but worthwhile titles and telling people about all the cool stuff I find. The reason I’m overloaded now is because I’m way too reluctant to part with these treasures. But part with them I must, and I’d like it to be you, the loyal Fast Forward readers, who reap the benefits. Ever read about an awesome movie in these pages that you’ve always wanted to see but could never find? Now’s your chance to own the last copy in Calgary (as far as I know). Yep, it’s giveaway time!
But first, let’s move on to this week’s movie, The Ambulance (1990), directed by Larry Cohen. This offbeat thriller tends to get trashed by critics, but its fascinating characters, clever script and off-kilter premise kept me spellbound. A New York cartoonist (Eric Roberts) decides that today’s the day he’ll make a play for the elegant beauty he’s been crushing on, played by Northern Exposure’s Janine Turner. When she collapses in the street and gets bustled away by an ambulance, he goes to every hospital in town searching for her. It becomes clear that there’s a renegade ambulance in town, spiriting away diabetes sufferers in order to perform illegal medical experiments on them. Roberts is determined to unravel the mystery and rescue his lady-love, with the help of a chewing-gum-addicted detective (James Earl Jones) and an endearingly cantankerous grouch whom Roberts meets in a hospital (Red Buttons).
Eric Roberts gives one of the most peculiar performances I’ve ever seen, yet his character remains entirely believable and likable throughout. The rest of the cast is a treat to watch, particularly Red Buttons, who steals every scene he’s in. Larry Cohen’s scripts are known for their moments of bizarre originality, and The Ambulance is a fine example. In my favourite scene, a beaten and groggy Roberts is being strapped onto a gurney and loaded into the deadly ambulance, when he suddenly spots a local street gang, and starts cajoling them into attacking the drivers! "You know what they’ve got in there?" he asks, motioning to the ambulance, "Drugs! Come and get ’em!" After the punks lose the ensuing battle, Roberts is hauled away, shouting out his disappointment at the gang’s mugging skills. "You guys fight like stewardesses!"
The Ambulance has never been available on DVD – only VHS. To win my copy of this rare and remarkable flick, answer this trivia question:
Who is Eric Robert’s Oscar-winning sister?
E-mail your answers to win@ffwd.greatwest.ca (subject line: VULTURE), and the winner will be notified. There’s only one copy to give away, so first come, first served. However, there is a large stack of equally cool movies at Fast Forward offices to be won by our loyal readers. Quantities are limited, obviously (VHS only – stay tuned for future DVD giveaways).
The Video Vulture is moving and needs to clean out his closet before the trucks arrive. He has kindly donated five boxes of rare, out-of-print and bizarro videotapes from his personal collection. If you would like to win an entire box of videos, please answer the following trivia question:
Who was crowned the Ultimate Robot Fighter in last week’s Video Vulture column?
Send your answers to win@ffwd.greatwest.ca and include the word VULTURE in the subject line. Only winners will be notified. |
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