| When Kit Hatt told her friends she was going to meet Bill in person for the first time, their biggest concern wasn’t whether they’d end up having sex together, it was how they’d have sex together.
"How ya gonna do it?" they’d ask, knowing that the man she wanted to meet was a quadriplegic in a wheelchair. "He’s got a tongue right?"
"Yup," Kit answered. And obviously it’s in good working order because the two have been together ever since. Speaking about sexuality after spinal cord injury (SCI) at the Guelph sexuality conference earlier this summer, the couple talked candidly about the challenges and joys of their relationship. Kit, who is able-bodied, found Bill’s profile on nerve.com. Under the question: "What are three things you can’t live without?" number one on Bill’s list was his wheelchair. "But I’m still adorable," he wrote. He only got one hit and that was Kit.
"We corresponded and I kept reminding her that I was paralyzed and in a wheelchair," recalled Bill. "All she said was, ‘I’m still here.’" When they finally dated, Bill explained how it wasn’t like most dates where you end up with your arm around her and, if all goes well, you eventually get her into bed.
"My partner has to put me in bed," he half-joked. "If anything is going to happen, she has to be compliant and strong." At least you know she’s not doing anything against her will. In fact, said Bill, he needs her compliance every step of the way. "It’s like, okay, now you have to take your own top off," he laughed. "The first time we were together, it was pretty comical."
But being paralyzed from the chest down for the last 32 years hasn’t always been so comical. Bill was 23 and in his first year of marriage when a slide into second base changed his life forever. "You realize how complicated your life can become in a heartbeat," Bill reflected.
He stayed with his wife for 27 years, but his anger and inability to include her in his struggle eventually drove them apart. "I really felt like my life was over and my fear kept that feeling alive all those years," recalled Bill.
But loneliness drove him to search for a new partner and when he found Kit, he realized that not only was his life not over, even his sex life still stood a chance. "I learned that sexuality is made, not born and you can relearn it," Bill explained. "Holding hands can be sexual if you let it be."
Unfortunately, said Bill, 90 per cent of men think sexuality is something you do, not something that is part of you.
Even his doctor reinforced this thinking. After the accident, one of the first things his doctor asked was: "How are your erections?"
"Like whether my dick worked or not was the most important thing," said Bill. But Bill was no different. Before his accident, he had defined sex as intercourse. With that no longer an option, he had to rethink it. After all, his libido hadn’t been injured. "I thought, ‘How’s sex going to work?’ I’m interested in it but I can’t feel my penis," he explained. The solution is unique to every person with SCI depending on their level of injury and where they are at sexually, but Bill said he discovered how to have sex with his brain more than with his genitals.
"You can have great sex as a quadriplegic," he now insists. Sure, it takes a little more planning, he admitted, but they do the prep together. "I never thought you could make removing a catheter playful," he laughed. And while it’s true that intercourse shouldn’t be all there is to sex, you can’t dismiss the joy of two bodies connecting in that way, said Bill.
So, since Bill can’t get an erection, they simply move the plumbing out of the way and strap on a harness and dildo. "Even if someone’s hand is totally paralyzed, you can shove a vibrator into it," Bill insisted positively. And while he doesn’t experience orgasm the way he did pre-accident, Bill says that the experience is getting better and better the more they get to know each other. "It’s taken me so long to understand intimacy," explained Bill. "It’s not simply more sex that brings us closer together. That’s like the tail wagging the dog.
"I’ve realized that sex is important and not just for physical gratification but to provide incredible emotional fulfillment." Of course, a little physical gratification’s nice too. Remember that tongue?
According to Kit, it was Bill – a man paralyzed from the chest down – who made her experience her first orgasm. |
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