| This week, Video Vulture pits a collection of famous robots against one another in a biomechanical battle royale. Which machine will be crowned Ultimate Robot Fighter?
THE COMBATANTS
· Astro Boy
· Bender from Futurama
· Bishop (Lance Henricksen) from Aliens
· The ED-209 Enforcement Droid from RoboCop
· The Imperial Probe Droid from The Empire Strikes Back
· Omnidroid 9000 v10.0 from The Incredibles
· Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots from the animated series Transformers
· The Terminator, from the film of the same name
ROUND ONE
Optimus Prime versus Omnidroid
Prime transforms into a truck, heads off to the devastated downtown area where the Omnidroid is rampaging and issues a firm challenge to the seemingly unstoppable ball of arms and lasers. The Omnidroid picks up the plucky Transformer and flings him into the outskirts of the neighbouring town. Suffering from three flat tires and a broken axle, Optimus Prime summons his pit crew, gets repaired, and makes the two-hour journey back to the battleground. The Omnidroid pauses its rampage long enough to fling Optimus across the state line. Prime spends all night driving back to the battle, only to get flung into the next time zone. Still determined, the plucky Autobot tries to resume the battle, but runs out of Energon and stalls out on the highway, still a good eight-hour drive from his destination. He phones AAA. The Omnidroid is declared the winner!
Probe Droid vs. ED-209
"Drop your weapon and stand down! You have 20 seconds to comply!" barks the ED-209, as the Probe Droid simply hovers and beeps menacingly. The countdown reaches zero, at which point hundreds of armour-piercing rounds pump into the Imperial Probe Droid, which explodes spectacularly. Unfortunately for ED-209, the floating spider’s last act was to call in a tactical strike on the Enforcement Droid’s coordinates. Several AT-ATs and TIE fighters appear and bombard ED-209 into oblivion. The Galactic Empire declares the Probe Droid a hero, and has it rebuilt just in time for round two.
The Terminator vs. Bishop
The Terminator hides a pump shotgun in a bunch of roses, and rings Bishop’s doorbell. When the leathery android opens the door, he gets his noggin blown off. "Oh great, now there’s milk all over the floor. And I just had this carpet steam-cleaned!" grouses the robot’s head, as the Terminator crosses him off the list of "Bishops" in the phone book, and goes searching for the Bishop of Warwick.
Bender vs. Astro Boy
"C’mere, you little runt" cackles Bender as he gleefully chases Astro Boy with a chainsaw. "You shouldn’t try to hurt other robots!" gasps Astro, in a heartfelt plea that doesn’t quite match his lip movements. Bender retorts with "Bite my shiny metal ass!" and swings, clipping off Astro’s pointy little hair projections. Astro’s expression changes from shocked to determined, as he opens up Bender’s chest plate and flies into the robot’s spacious interior, where he bangs and rattles around as Bender vibrates and stammers comically. Finally, Astro locates Bender’s reset button and restores Bender to his factory default setting. "I am Bender. Please insert girder" drones the defeated bending unit, as Astro does a victorious loop-the-loop, and gives a cheery little wave to the camera.
ROUND TWO: THE SEMIFINALS
Probe Droid vs. Omnidroid
The rampaging Omnidroid scans the rebuilt probe droid and blasts it to smithereens with a laser. It then resumes destruction of the city, not realizing that the Probe Droid has transmitted a coded message to the Galactic Empire. The Death Star silently moves into position to obliterate the Omnidroid, along with the entire planet. Fortunately, a ragtag band of rebels launch a proton torpedo down the Death Star’s exhaust shaft, causing a chain reaction that blows up the entire structure. The rebels cheer and give each other medals, and the Omnidroid goes on to the final round.
Astro Boy vs. The Terminator
The Terminator opens fire with his 9 millimetre Uzi, but Astro Boy turns out to be a highly durable target. Astro zips to and fro with his jet boots, occasionally pausing to attempt negotiations with the implacable killing machine. When it becomes clear that reasoning with the Terminator is useless, Astro returns fire with his fingertip lasers and ass-mounted machine gun. The Terminator tackles Astro, but has to let him go when the plucky little robot’s boot rockets burn through the Terminator’s wrist servos. This gives Astro an idea, and he zooms away at high speed. The Terminator walks after him, reloading his weapon as he goes, unhurried in the certainty of locating his quarry. Moments later, Astro returns, carrying a full size Talos Aries suborbital rocket he borrowed from a nearby NASA launch pad. Astro pins the hulking killbot underneath the exhaust port and fires up the rocket, obliterating the Terminator in a whoosh of fire and smoke. Hasta la vista, baby.
FINAL ROUND
Astro Boy vs. the Omnidroid
It’s a tense battle right from the beginning, as the Omnidroid picks up a football stadium, and begins thwacking away at Astro Boy with it, while the little robot frantically makes evasive manoeuvres. The Omnidroid learns to anticipate Astro’s dodging pattern, and lands a blow that propels the lad through the wall of a building, which the Omnidroid then proceeds to stomp into rubble. Astro flies out of the wreckage just in time, and hears his friend, the kindly Dr. Elefun, frantically yelling "Get Syndrome’s wrist band, Astro! It controls the Omnidroid!" As the last remaining pieces of cover get blasted away, things look grim for our wide-eyed hero. Then, in a flash of inspiration, Astro flies down a manhole, zips through the sewer system, and bursts through the asphalt right beneath the behemoth, snatching up the wristband en route. After some lightning-fast calculations, Astro reprograms the Omnidroid into a bakery delivery van. Astro Boy is the robot champion! Cookies for everybody! |
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