| There was a time when movie monsters wanted nothing more than to scoop up the leading lady and go for a stroll. Absolutely nothing bad would happen to the lass – she might faint from fright, or perhaps scream and wiggle a lot, but usually she’d just behave herself and quietly look concerned. Eventually the monster would get tired and put her down, at which point some rugged tough guy would emerge and knock the beast out, and the girl would bury her face in the guy’s chest while he assured her that everything’s all right, it’s all over now, etc.
Half of the movie posters of the ’50s featured monsters clutching unconscious females in their mighty arms. A potent fear throughout the decade must have been that clumsy rubber people with zippers down their backs would kidnap our womenfolk and then walk around for a while. Horrors! Some of these films even allowed the monsters to bring their portable women all the way back to their swampy lairs. What fiendish plan does the beast have in mind for our not-really-struggling-that-much heroine? First base? Heavy petting? Yahtzee? Fortunately, things never got that far, as the poor monster always got defeated the minute he put the girl down. Then, we’d see in the creature’s dying eyes that it never intended to hurt the girl and we’d all have a good cry over the fate of the misunderstood monster.
What’s it like being transported by a monster? Probably a bit like this:
· The Mummy: Smells bad, but comfy (The Mummy, 1932).
· Frankenstein’s Monster: Shambling gait results in a bumpy ride; awkward conversationalist (Frankenstein, 1931).
· Man with Fly head: Easily distracted by sugar and picnics. Wear a drool-guard (The Fly, 1958).
· Alien robot named Gort: Cold and hard, but you can listen to AM radio (The Day the Earth Stood Still, 1951).
· Walking tree: Good back support. Plus, you can carve your initials in him, and he won’t mind (From Hell it Came, 1957).
· Giant ape: Fast and gentle, but watch out if you’re afraid of heights (King Kong, 1933).
· Ro-Man: This guy’s just a gorilla in a space helmet, so it’s like riding a big furry beanbag chair. Plus, you can do your makeup in his reflective faceplate (Robot Monster, 1953).
You’d think that after the first 50 or 60 times, people would become used to monsters abducting women and just shrug it off as the harmless occurrence it clearly was. The dramatic background music always indicated that the woman was being carried away to a fate worse than death, even though her actual fate was more likely to just be late for something. Maybe that’s why all those hotheaded movie heroes were so anxious to stop the spread of monsters. All those abductions were making women late for stuff.
But why kill the poor monsters? Surely if there were that many abductions going on, a clever organizer could arrange for women to be picked up and carried in the direction they intended to go in the first place. It would be like a taxi service; if an attractive woman needed to go downtown in a hurry, she’d flag down the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and just get carried there. Then she’d give the slimy beast some money and a quick peck on the cheek, and trot into her PTA meeting or yoga class or whatever. Then the Wolf Man could carry her home again. Everybody wins! |
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