| "Nether lips?" I ask.
"Yeah, I guess it’s like ‘nether region’ but specifically the lips," Miss Former Harlequin Romance Copy Editor tells me over the phone. "I’ve still got the verboten word list right here."
"Jism" is out, too. So is "wang," "cocksucker," "cunt," "slit," and "pubic hair." Ditto "semen" and "urinate."
Clearly, Harlequin has a problem with bodily fluids.
In fact, says Miss H ("in case I work for them again," she says), while fellatio practically never happens in these books, even if it does, the guy never comes.
"I guess it ruins the fantasy having to deal with the spit or swallow issue," she laughs. "I mean how do you eloquently swallow or wipe your mouth."
Obviously, I don’t expect romance novels to offer anatomical play-by-play, but given the fact that a Harlequin is sold every five seconds, and mostly to women, I find the way they handle sex a little disturbing.
According to Miss H, who read hundreds of the things in the time she worked for Harlequin, not only is fellatio rare, when it does happen, the men usually stop the women midway so they can have intercourse, which is almost always in the missionary position, and during which she orgasms "100 per cent of the time," says Miss H.
No wonder women end up thinking blowjobs are yucky and feeling inadequate because they don’t come during intercourse.
"I know these books are fantasy, but where do you draw the line between fantasy and reality," she says. "I think it’s misleading to have women read about characters who come from intercourse every time and whose male partner requires only a little bit of effort on her part and who never makes a mess."
And while, sure, most of the adult women readers know the sex isn’t realistic, Miss H is more concerned about the 17, 18 and 19-year-old readers ending up with false expectations about sex, or worse, feeling like there is something wrong with them because they don’t come during intercourse because the truth is, most women don’t.
There are some positive messages about sex in these books, says Miss H.
Condoms are always used, for example, unless pregnancy is part of the plot, she says.
And while fellatio is mostly verboten (it’s usually only found in the racier lines that have popped up in recent years), cunnilingus is quite common, says Miss H.
"Understandably, its couched in sweet, romantic terms," she adds. "They don’t use words like ‘pussy’ or ‘cunt,’ though ‘clit’ is often allowed.
So it would be, ‘he moved lower, dropping kisses along her belly, then finally reaching the juncture of her thighs,’ or ‘he tasted her juices.’"
I guess women’s bodily fluids are more acceptable.
She also gets to come. At least that’s what I think they’re talking about when it says that, "ecstasy ripples throughout her body as she goes over the edge."
I doubt they’re talking about cliff diving.
Of course, romance novels practically invented euphemisms. Its no wonder so many women are too embarrassed to talk dirty.
While "dick" or "cock" (always throbbing, of course) is acceptable in some of the racier lines, I can’t say that I’ve ever referred to my man’s penis as "velvet on steel," one of the common descriptions Miss H has come across.
And I know "vagina" isn’t the prettiest word, but is "mound" really any better?
I ask Miss H how she managed to keep a straight face while reading lines like "he entered her at the apex of her thighs" or "he entered her at her opening." What, like her art opening?
"You do have to buy into it," she laughs. "It’s similar to going to a movie like Terminator or Alien. If you spend the whole time thinking about how unrealistic it is you won’t enjoy it. As long as everyone knows it’s fantasy, it’s harmless."
I’m not so sure. Especially given that romance novels account for almost 40 per cent of all fiction sold and Harlequins are translated into 25 languages and sold in almost 100 countries worldwide.
It’s like young guys learning unrealistic sexual scripts from porn.
"Yeah, guys end up wanting her to be a slut in the bedroom and women are expecting romance and to have all of their needs automatically met," Miss H agrees. "It’s no wonder men and women have such a hard time getting it together sexually."
Which is why, I suppose, women end up reading romance novels.
In romance novels, she always gets her guy, says Miss H.
"And there’s always a happy ending, though of course, 99.9 per cent of the time, that means marriage," she adds. "They never just end up together in a relationship."
Which is just as well, I suppose, because we all know once a gal’s wrangled a guy into marriage, blowjobs are pretty much off the menu anyway, right? |
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