| Interior shot: a haunted house at night. A lone figure is cautiously prowling the hallways, starting at every noise.
"Simon? Simon, is that you?"
A gust of wind blows a claw-like branch against a window, causing the audience to jump. The explorer begins to walk backwards in the dark, speaking in a clear, loud voice.
"This isn’t funny, you know! Knock it off!"
A sinister shadow emerges and slowly bears down on our protagonist, who remains oblivious.
"I’m gonna get naked and take a shower now."
Clearly, this character is doomed. Certain actions, such as taking a shower, peering into a quivering alien egg, or shouting insults at Dirty Harry in the very last scene, are clear indications that a character is about to meet a swift demise. The character doesn’t see it coming, but the audience does, and a minute or two of good, squirmy suspense can usually be wrung out of the scene. Of course, sometimes a director gets crafty, and unexpectedly spares the life of a character that appears to be set up for the slaughter. Here then, is a brief snippet from the Video Vulture’s list of all time classic fake-outs.
· Death Race 2000 (1975) – In the remote future of 2000 A.D., hit-and-run driving has become a nationally-televised sport. Racers tool across America in ridiculous-looking sports cars, running down pedestrians for points. This gruesome premise is successfully played for bizarre black comedy in Paul Bartel’s cult classic, featuring David Carradine as a Death Race champion named "Frankenstein."
In the film’s funniest scene, a nearby hospital tries to take advantage of the Death Race by wheeling out their elderly patients into the middle of the street for "Euthanasia Day." Frankenstein’s car roars into frame and we all brace for impact – until he suddenly veers off the road, opting to run down the cruel doctors and nurses instead. White coats go flying. That’ll teach ’em.
· The Funhouse (1981) –This early 1980s slasher flick begins with a classic set-up – an attractive young woman taking a shower as a shadowy figure advances on her. Ever since Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), moviegoers have been twitchy about scary shower scenes and this one really ramps up the suspense with eerie music, quick glimpses of clumping feet and unsettling camera angles. Finally the curtain is yanked open by the menacing intruder. Is it a mass murderer? A deformed circus freak bent on mayhem? Nope – it’s just the girl’s brother, playing a practical joke. Boo! Ha ha ha! Had you going there for a minute.
· Brain Damage (1988) – Let’s do the Psycho shower scene fake-out again, but this time with a guy. Brian (Rick Hearst) is looking for victims for his brain-eating monster, so he enters a public shower and sizes up a suitable candidate. A lone muscle-man soaps up, unaware that his grey matter is in jeopardy. The music becomes ominous, and the tension mounts. Finally, the guy finishes up, towels off, and exits the movie unharmed. Brian is baffled. Where the hell is the monster? Turns out, it wandered into a nearby bathroom stall and ate the brain of a completely different random stranger.
· House of the Dead (2003) –This gleefully inane adaptation of a video game comes complete with a fake-out inspired by Jaws (1975). A young drunk couple is frolicking on a zombie-infested island and the girl runs out into the water to skinny-dip, while the guy remains on the beach. We’re sure the girl is doomed, as eerie music and underwater camerawork conspire to make it look like something nasty is about to erupt from the water. Instead, she emerges unharmed, only to find her boyfriend missing. I guess zombies hate to go for the obvious target.
The girl seems so disappointed that the movie didn’t kill her, that she immediately puts herself in jeopardy again. Gee… maybe he’s in that spooky house? After all, what red-blooded guy would sit on a beach watching a wet naked woman when he could wander off into a spooky house?
· Straight to Hell (1987) – People seem to hate this spaghetti western spoof just because it has no plot, and all of the characters are bastards. Me, I love it.
A band of bloodthirsty gunmen, all hopped up on caffeine, drag a hapless hot dog vendor into the middle of the street and make him sing. Poor Karl (Zander Schloss) is so terrified, he can barely strum his guitar. Dozens of six-shooters are trained on Karl as he haltingly stumbles through an idiotic advertising jingle…
"Sizzle, grizzle, step up to the griddle…salsa y ketchup, tell me and I’ll fetch up; K…"
There’s a deathly silence as Karl prepares himself for a barrage of bullets that never comes. He nervously continues his song.
"…A, R, L, S, disco wiener haven! Well they’re short and they’re long and they taste quite strong, at Karl’s disco wiener-deener haven…"
By this time, the gunslingers are all clapping and singing along. By the end of the song, they’ve formed a conga line. Wheee! |
Copyright ©2006 FFWD. All rights reserved.