| VCRs are a wonderful invention if only for their ability to remind us about just how stupid some of the action movies of the 1980s were. Case in point: Panther Squad (1984), starring formidable ’80s action queen Sybil Danning.
The plot is pure cheese. It seems that the peaceful and benevolent New Organization of Nations (given the hilarious acronym NOON) is receiving threats from a radical, anti-pollution terrorist cell called "Clean Space," that is trying to bring an end to NOON’s space program. Clean Space has apparently given up on saving the environment here on Earth, and has settled for preventing humanity from bringing pollution to the stars. Seriously.
In any case, NOON’s rocket, or as they call it – "Space Jeep," is already out there in deep space, and doubtlessly thinking of ways to pollute it. While the NOON president gives a press conference on how the space jeep will bring about world peace, his TV signal breaks up, and the broadcast is hijacked by the Clean Space terrorists, who then spin Space Jeep around and around by remote control, almost like it was a model rocket dangling on a wire. The fiends!
Naturally, the pilot of Space Jeep needs to be rescued before he gets all dizzy. A second pilot is rushed to the launch site of a second Space Jeep, but gets kidnapped en route by the fiendish eco-terrorists. Now what? The situation seems hopeless! This looks like a job for… The Panther Squad!
Enter Sybil Danning as the leader of a crack mercenary brigade of deadly women who just happen to all dress like hookers. Syb brings her mighty detective skills into play by asking everybody she meets if they know one of the bad guys. It sounds like I’m making that up, but I assure you I’m not. She actually walks around showing a slip of paper with a name written on it to the first people she encounters when she leaves the building. She even shows it to an eight-year-old kid with a fishing pole.
After enough garbage men and preteen anglers have been interviewed, the Panther Force assembles in a flurry of rayon skirts, studded belts and hairspray. They infiltrate the enemy stronghold by tottering around awkwardly in high heels, while the guards pretend not to notice that they’re being sneaked up on. The guards also pretend to fall down whenever the girls swat at their shoulders. At this point, we learn that Clean Space has allied itself with an insane foreign general who wants to blow up the world (so much for ecological idealism!). Will General Crazy-Go-Bang and his army of inert eco-terrorists prevail, or can they be stopped by six skanky floozies in halter tops? Well, I’d hate to spoil the ending, but I will reveal that when the last two bad guys hide behind a jeep, Syb disintegrates them with an experimental ray gun. Oops – spoiled the ending.
So little thought has been put into the motivations and plot mechanics of Panther Squad, it’s actually kind of endearing. It just doesn’t seem like a plotline thought up by adults. I’m sure the producers just stumbled across a bunch of kids making a home movie in their backyard, and stole their script. Check out these lines:
Space Engineer: Sir, that’s out of the question! Changing trajectory means changing orbit! Nothing doing!
NOON Honcho: (over phone) Don’t argue! That’s an order!
Space Engineer: Yes sir. (hangs up, then addresses a space technician). Henry; start up number three. Slow. Move from H to 6. Got it?
Space Technician: Yeah. But if you ask me, you’re gonna blow up the whole thing!
Wow. I’m sure I said lots of stuff like that as a kid playing with my GI Joes, but how do you find a screenwriter past the age of nine who can write a line like "Move from H to six?" Movies like this aren’t usually shot in 35mm. They’re usually shot on a camcorder in a panelled basement with lots of orange shag carpeting. I kept waiting for somebody to pick up a VCR and talk into it like it was a car phone.
The cast is made up of rank amateurs, with two exceptions. Jack Taylor is genuinely amusing as Frank, the Panther’s ineffectual drunk sidekick, and Sybil Danning exudes the same level of passion and élan she always brings to the table, even in the silliest of movies. And, make no mistake – Panther Squad is one of the silliest. |
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