| Whether you’re looking for something to read in the hammock or for a few sexy tidbits to impress folks at the next barbecue, here’s My Messy Bedroom’s summer sex book quiz, compiled from some of the latest titles to come across my desk.
1. According to The Secret Language of Sleep: A Couple’s Guide to the Thirty-Nine Positions by Evany Thomas (McSweeney’s), "The Cliffhanger" sleeping position – that is, when two people sleep on their sides facing away from each other on opposite sides of the bed – means that the two of you:
a) have had a mother of a fight before bed and breaking up is only a matter of time.
b) have a lot of pets that usually share the bed between you.
c) have seriously bad breath and can’t get far enough away from each other.
d) are in for the long haul.
2. Why waste your time listening to me when you can get Sex Advice From… DJs, Sorority Girls, Cowboys, Car Dealers, Bartenders, Pool Cleaners, Hairstylists, and More! from the editors at nerve.com (Chronicle). According to John, a 37-year-old guitar-shop employee, practicing your paradiddles will help you:
a) adjust your rhythm to your partner, alternating from slow to fast.
b) give your partner a hand job with both hands at the same time.
c) automatically have sex with the hottest member of the audience.
d) have sex while making dinner, doing your laundry and taking out the garbage.
3. From the Florida grandmother with $5 million worth of sexual collectibles to Third Eye Blind’s manager, who owns more than 80,000 men’s magazines, Sex Collectors: The Secret World of Consumers, Connoisseurs, Curators, Creators, Dealers, Bibliographers, and Accumulators of "Erotica" by Geoff Nicholson (Simon & Schuster) is about people obsessed with collecting sex artifacts. For example, Jane Marshall is a U.K.-based collector of Chinese lotus shoes, historically worn by Chinese women with bound feet, supposedly to make the feet resemble lotus buds. According to Marshall, the "pseudovagina" is:
a) a lotus shoe.
b) the area between the toes.
c) the underside of the foot.
d) a stand-in penis.
4. After one too many "horny MILF" and "Gorgeous teens take it in the ass" e-mails, Shalom Auslander explains why he longs for the old days of sexual repression. Nathalie Hopkinson explores black strippers’ relationships with their fathers. Edited by Felice Newman and Frédérique Delacoste (Cleis Press), the essays in Best Sex Writing 2006 entertainingly and intelligently explore our sexual state of affairs. According to Tristan Taormino’s essay "An Ode To Ass: Reflections on Sex Ed, Porn, and Perversity," Allanah Star and Buck Angel are:
a) rock stars.
b) porn stars.
c) sex educators.
d) horny MILFs.
5. In their latest book, Rec Sex, former nerve.com columnists Em & Lo (Chronicle) define everything associated with recreational sex, from "buyer’s remorse" (waking up after casual sex and not liking what you see next to you) to "blue balls" ("A lame excuse straight guys use to pressure girls into sex. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable. So what? Go home and jack off, you big baby"). According to the book, a Mikey is:
a) Someone who’s afraid to try anything, even once.
b) Someone who will try anything once.
c) Someone who reluctantly tries something he ends up liking.
d) Someone who wants to try everything.
ANSWERS
1. d) Considered a practical position, Cliffhangers know how precious their one shared trait – personal comfort and getting a good night’s sleep – truly is. They can separate their needs from their wants.
2. a) The basic building blocks in learning to drum, paradiddles are the four-note sticking pattern consisting of two alternating notes followed by a diddle, which is playing a note twice with one hand.
3. c) & d) According to Marshall, men inserted their penises into the cleft on the underside of the bound foot, but she also claims lesbians used the tiny, bound feet for penetration.
4. b) Both are stars of Allanah Star’s Big Boob Adventures – the transsexual series that made porn history by featuring the first scene between a male-to-female transsexual (Allanah, who you can find at shemaleexotica.com) and a female-to-male transsexual (Buck, the self-proclaimed "dude with a pussy" and the world’s only FTM porn star, who you can find at transsexual-man.com).
5. a) (Remember those old Life cereal commercials?) & c) As Em & Lo put it, "A prime example of this attitude is the sexist, homophobic, baseball cap-wearing frat boy who won’t let his girlfriend anywhere near his asshole because ‘that’s gay,’ but who actually turns out to love it one night when she sneakily administers a little back-door attention while giving him one of her ‘mind-blowing’ Cosmo blow jobs, and who, against his better judgment, subsequently becomes a strap-on whore." |
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