>>REVIEW
Directed by Kate Robbins
Sony, 2006
I’m convinced that Osama bin Laden is a failed actor, living somewhere in the valley, who the government pays handsomely to propagate their newspeak. Then again, I don’t believe there’s any such thing as owls, either.
That said, I think a movie like Candy Stripers is partly responsible for terrorism. Not because of religion, lipstick or school bus blowjobs, but the vanity it takes to create something so ridiculous. It’s just not enough anymore to introduce alien conspiracy plots with heart-ripping aplomb, tastefully representing minorities (including former Playmates, who regurgitate alien babies) along the way.
You need something more, something… futuristic? A post-modern, post-apocalyptic world where ex-nurses pursue high school basketball stars, in order to help fight a totalitarian regime. The plot would revolve around how they are able to do this while dealing with a plethora of shin splints and sprained ankles.
A plot summary of Candy Stripers is useless, especially since the film manages to further devolve into incomprehensibility in its scant 90 minutes. Anyway, for those who really want one, there’s an alien roaming somewhere around California, infecting ex-Playmates by regurgitating a slimy green dildo while they French kiss. A nurse at a hospital becomes infected and then so does every other woman within a few days. Each "nurse" wears the vaudevillian barbershop candy striper uniform, which only serves the function of being easy to take off for a locker room fuck over schnapps.
Also, the alien women are addicted to sugar and cover their male victims with spider webs to… I have no idea. Enter some teenaged idiots, who, after a fight, unfortunately find themselves trapped at the hospital, quickly learning that yes, in these post-AIDS times, sex really does mean death. The dumb kids find a saviour in a plucky young wallflower tagging along with them, and diabetics everywhere will be excited to learn that insulin gives you superpowers, unless you’re an infected alien woman. Ah, Los Angeles – you truly are the land of dreams.
So Candy Stripers is like Halloween 2… meets Halloween 3… meets Shivers… meets soft-core and the shattered dreams of Hollywood. If you ever get sick in L.A., don’t go to the hospital, and don’t get suckered into making consumerist propaganda in someone’s basement. |
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