| This whole Da Vinci Code kerfuffle has been quite amusing to me, what with the endless discussions over historical accuracy in a work of fiction. Frankly, anything that gets people and entertainment journalists talking about story and meaning (rather than, say, pregnant celebrities with eating disorders) is a good thing.
In any case, bestselling author Dan Brown has been accused of making stuff up. Or of putting real stuff in. Or of putting in fake stuff and calling it real stuff, or vice versa. It’s all a bit confusing. Some groups would like the film and book to come with a big ol’ disclaimer stating that it’s a work of fiction, which is a peculiar thing to do to a crime thriller.
Still, I’d love to see this kind of unnecessary controversy pop up in other areas of popular entertainment. What if the KGB protested every time they got mentioned in a Tom Clancy novel or a Cold War spy flick? That would kick ass. "We, the KGB, would like it known that Red Bear Growling is a work of fiction, and bears no resemblance to the actual aims and practices of our organization. Furthermore, we have never employed a beautiful but dangerous weapons engineer named ‘Nadya Nakedboobova,’ or any other such character, and if we did, she certainly did not defect to the West with a briefcase full of sensitive data after having sexual intercourse with a smartass British spy. Also, the concept of the "Omegatron Device," supposedly capable of turning hamsters into brainwashed super-soldiers, is utterly ludicrous and no such device is currently being developed by the KGB. At least, not at the prices we were quoted."
What about Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)? It’s a wonderfully exciting and entertaining action yarn, and that’s precisely what the public sees it as. What a wasted opportunity for nitpicking over research! C’mon people, let’s get some debates going! After all, if a cabal of biblical scholars came forth and debunked the Ark of the Covenant’s practical applications as God’s "Original Antipersonnel Device," it wouldn’t affect our enjoyment of the film one jot. We’d still love it to bits, only now we’d also get to enjoy the debate over historical accuracy. Heck, before the film came out, hardly anybody knew what the Ark was.
In Raiders, we are told that any army that carries the Lost Ark is invincible – that’s why the Nazis are looking for it. What the film fails to mention is that the Ark was carried into battle back in ancient times, and the darn thing didn’t work. The story goes something like this: the Israelites unpacked their secret weapon, the Ark of the Covenant, and went into battle against the Philistine army, confident that their magic box would save the day. Instead, the Philistines just pushed them into a ditch, grabbed the Ark and ran off, giggling and giving each other high-fives. This event explains why the term "philistine" today refers to someone to whom nothing is sacred, which is a bit unfair to the Philistines. It kind of gives them the image of schoolyard bullies in an ancient game of cops and robbers. Just because they wouldn’t play dead when the Israelites pointed their fingers and said "pow pow!," the Philistine name got dragged through the dirt for the rest of eternity. Oh well.
Defeated and pissed off, the Israelites made an angry phone call to God. They eventually got through to an angel working in tech support. "Hi, my name’s Brad. How can I help you?"
"That Ark of the Covenant doohickey didn’t work," hissed the Israelites. "No fire or lightning or nothing. I mean, what the fuck, man? You know how much that piece of crap cost us?"
"I see," said Brad the tech support angel. "Is the unit plugged in to the power source?"
"Yes," said the Israelites.
"Did you open the Applications menu and select "Smite Heathens" from the list?"
"We did that" growled the Israelites.
"Did you remember to switch the unit on?" asked Brad.
There was a pause. "Er… what?"
Brad heaved a sigh and rolled his eyes. "Feel around at the back of the unit. There should be a power switch. Switch it on."
"Um… we don’t have the unit any more. The Philistines took it."
"I see," said Brad. "Tell you what – I’m gonna go ahead and file a 1028 complaint form with the bureau. We’ll also look into smiting those Philistines for you. The unit should be returned to you in a couple of months. But next time, please, please read the manual. Thanks for calling."
After that, the Philistines became afflicted with mice and hemorrhoids. Also, their statues of the fish-god Dagon kept tipping over a lot. The Philistines put up with swollen asses, tippy deities and incessant squeaking for seven months, before giving the Ark back, along with some gold to sweeten the deal. This delighted the Israelites so much that they didn’t mind living under Philistine rule for the next 20 years.
Actually, one irate Israelite did phone Brad later on, saying "Mice and hemorrhoids? What kind of smiting is that? Where’s the goddamn fire and lightning?"
Brad’s reply was, "Sorry sir, it’s on back-order."
DISCLAIMER
The editors of Fast Forward Weekly would like to stress that this week’s Video Vulture column is a work of fiction. Columnist John Tebbutt has absolutely no idea what he’s talking about. He’s barely qualified to review movies like Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, let alone do competent research on important religious topics. There is absolutely no need to get hot under the collar over his insane ramblings. There – are you happy now? |
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