| I've been having sex with the same person for awhile now. Sometimes I miss those lust-filled early days of throwing one another against walls and furniture because we just couldn't get enough.
But let's face it, for a woman, it's hard to come when you're pinned to the hall table. At least now – now that he knows my body – I get to come most times.
And now that we’re married, it looks like I'll be having sex with the same person for some time. As someone who has gone through periods of changing partners more often than I changed my socks, sure, it freaks me out a little.
Still, when I get letters from people worried because they've been married for years and their sex life has lost its lustre – and trust me, I get a lot of them – I think, "Jeez, I'd be more surprised if you were having sex with the same person for years on end and not getting bored at least once in awhile."
And I was shocked that everyone (judging by the number of media calls I got to comment on the story) was shocked by the results of a survey that came out last week – commissioned by none other than Pfizer, the makers of Viagra – that said Canadians between the ages 40 to 64 are devoting only two hours a week to sex and romance and 30 hours a week watching TV or surfing the Net.
I thought, duh, of course it’s easier to switch on the boob tube than play with your partner’s boobs after a long day of work. TV only requires one finger. Sex usually requires all 10.
I also thought: two hours a week? Damn, that’s not bad. I know a lot of people who’d kill for that much action.
Finally, I thought: I wish people would stop obsessing over how much sex everyone is having. It just stresses us out, and stress was one of the reasons people in the survey gave for why they’re not having more sex.
It also makes us lie about how often we’re doing it because everyone thinks everyone else is doing it more than we are, according to Dr. Richard Casey, medical director of the The Male Health Centres (malehealth.com) in a Toronto Sun story on the survey. As a result, says Casey, sexual frequency is often reported as two or three times a week when most long-term couples have sex more like twice a month.
Because, let’s be honest – once you're past the stage when seeing your partner butter his toast turns you on, things get familiar and desire can feel like work. Pretty soon, you develop a very complex communication system around it. He touches you, you shrug him off, he rolls over. End of conversation.
Which explains why middle-aged suburbanites swing or have affairs.
I grew up in a family of eight and I've done my sharing time. So I'm stuck having sex with him until one of us croaks. Don't get me wrong: There's no one I'd rather be having sex with, but I’m sure there will be times when I’d rather watch Family Guy.
Of course, people figure that, because of the nature of my job, I must have the kind of fabulously exciting sex life that has me doing it 24/7, swinging from the rafters. But even a steady supply of free sex toys doesn't always keep you inspired.
When people ask me how to recapture the passion they had at the beginning of their relationship, I tell them it’s a mistake trying to re-create the past. Relationships evolve and, while you may no longer be throwing each other up against the wall, you’ve hopefully reached another level of intimacy that’s hot in a whole new way.
Sure, there are times when you have to work harder at it, maybe even turn off the TV, sit down to a nice dinner face-to -face and talk about something other than your day.
It’s also important that you stay connected in other ways. An unexpected "I love you" on the way to the bathroom or a sexy neck nuzzle while he’s doing the dishes doesn’t hurt. In fact, when you’re both stressed and tired, doing the dishes can be pretty damn hot. Not exactly Penthouse hot, I know, but those letters are made up anyway.
And, if you occasionally realize the laundry’s getting done more than you are, you’re allowed to talk about it. Sulking and hoping your partner will read your mind and suddenly be overcome by your hotness and jump your bones as soon as he or she walks in the door is a nice fantasy. But reality is just so much more, well, realistic. Speak up.
And if one of you wants it more than the other, it shouldn’t be that hard to accommodate each other once in awhile. Especially if you actually like each other – and one presumes, if you’re in a relationship, you do.
Otherwise, relax. I figure, as long as neither of us is complaining, who cares how often we do it? It’s not a competition.
Besides, whatever happened to quality not quantity?
I’d rather have connected, hot leisurely sex twice a month than a quick boink every night just so we can keep up with the Joneses, who are probably next door watching TV. |
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