| This week, Video Vulture takes a look at villain weddings – a melodramatic cliché in which a movie villain’s master-plan involves forcing the screaming heroine into marrying him, while the audience waits for the hero to burst in on the ceremony and save the day.
I’m not talking about chick flicks here, in which the groom is simply a jerk and Julia Roberts is only marrying him because she doesn’t realize how much Richard Gere really loves her. No, I’m talking about old-school moustache-twirling "bwaa ha ha!" Snidely Whiplash-style villains. The bride is usually unwilling, so extreme measures (blackmail, armed guards, mind control) are usually employed to nudge the ceremony along. One wonders what kind of marriage the two could look forward to if the event were ever permitted to be completed. ("Honey? Come out of the bathroom. C’mon, it’s our wedding night! Say, is that smoke? Did you set fire to the imperial palace? That is so childish!") The bride’s family is rarely present, which I think is a bit of a missed opportunity, comedy-wise.
Father of the bride: (clasping the groom in a friendly headlock). So, little buddy… uh, Lord Varquar, is it? D’ya think ya can support my daughter?
Groom: Well, I plan on taking over the known universe in the morning, so… yes. (Both laugh.)
I’m curious about where these guys find the corrupt clergymen who perform these ceremonies. Are the priests in these films just reluctant to stand up to the villain, or do they really believe that marriage between these two could actually work?
Groom: Er… the thing is, padre, in this woman’s country, it is customary for the bride-to-be to wear duct tape over her mouth, and to say "I do" by thrashing about in the clutches of two burly henchmen while casting hateful glares in my direction.
Bishop Clueless: Okey dokey! Let’s get you two lovebirds married! Name the first kid after me, OK?
Motives for the forced wedding may vary. The evil groom might genuinely be in love, or he might just be taking the bride to cement his position of power, to appease a demon, to satisfy his lust or just to piss off the hero. But enough stalling… the bridal chamber awaits! Hahahahahahaaaa… uh, sorry. Anyway, here are a few prime examples of villain weddings:
· Flash Gordon (1980) – As the delightfully evil Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow!) prepares to wed Flash’s squeeze, a unique set of wedding vows is recited:
Priest: Do you, Ming the Merciless, Ruler of the Universe, take this Earthling, Dale Arden, to be your Empress of the hour?
Ming: Of the hour? Yes.
Priest: Do you promise to use her as you will?
Ming: Certainly.
Priest: "…Not to blast her into space?"(Icy silence as Ming arches his eyebrow furiously.)
Priest: (hastily): er… Until such time as you grow weary of her.
Ming: I do.
Dale: I do not!
Then the ceremony is interrupted when Flash parks his rocket ship through the groom. The photo album from this wedding is going to be a little weird.
· Castle of Cagliostro (1979) – This wild, action-packed anime from Oscar winner Hayao Miyazaki features a climactic wedding ceremony between the villainous Count Cagliostro and the hero’s love interest, Clarisse, who has been drugged into submission. When it comes time to exchange vows, the clergyman says that silence will be taken as a sign of consent on the part of the bride! Nothing snaps Clarisse out of her quiet trance, until the hero Lupin III arrives, only to be slaughtered by the Count’s guards. But wait! That was just a dummy made up to look like Lupin, while a recorded message taunts the count! The real Lupin is disguised as the clergyman himself, and he and Clarisse escape to the roomtops via Lupin’s motorized grappling hook. Hooray!
· Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) – Alan Rickman steals the show as the over-the-top Sheriff of Nottingham, who not only forces Maid Marian (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) to the altar, but prepares to ravish her right there on the floor before the ceremony is even over! The parody Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) is only slightly more bizarre, thanks to the clever addition of a chastity belt, which complicates the Sheriff’s plans. Curses! Foiled again!
· The Princess Bride (1987) – Princess Buttercup (Robin Wright) prepares to marry the perfidious Prince Humperdinck (Chris Sarandon), secure in her faith that her true love, Westley, will fly to the scene in the nick of time. Fortunately, the ceremony is crawling along at a snail’s pace, thanks to the hilariously long-winded and speech-impaired Impressive Clergyman (Peter Cook), who provides one of the film’s funniest moments ("Mawwiage. Mawwiage is wot bwings us togever tooday. Mawwiage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wiffin a dweam...."). To the surprise of everybody, the hero arrives too late to stop the ceremony.
· Churchill: The Hollywood Years (2004) – Christian Slater as Winston Churchill! Neve Campbell as Queen Elizabeth! Apparently Britain got fed up with Hollywood shoehorning Americans into Second World War scenarios in which they played no part (The Great Escape) or films that ignored England’s armed forces altogether (Saving Private Ryan), so they came up with this wicked parody that posits that England’s greatest hero of the 20th century was actually a smartassed American G.I. Every ridiculous Hollywood cliché is lovingly presented, including a terrific villain wedding setup, as Adolf Hitler prepares to wed Princess Elizabeth against her will. "You vill haf four sons, one every five months. They vill be named Aldolph, Randolph, Gandalf und Little Ralph, who vill be our favourite, until he gets too big, and then ve vill haf him put down. There vill be no intimacy or sex betveen us. Dr. Plutoschtrauss vill attend to all of that." |
Copyright ©2006 FFWD. All rights reserved.