| Just how bad can movies get? If you take the question seriously enough, it just might lead you to a certain horror film made in El Paso by a fertilizer merchant, and your life will be forever changed. It’s pure hell to sit through, but if you make it, you’ll be rewarded by a remarkable new perspective – suddenly every other movie you’ve seen will seem much, much better. That movie is "Manos" The Hands of Fate (1966).
Manos was filmed with a hand-cranked camera that could only record 30 seconds of film at a time. The fact that you didn’t have to use the entire 30 seconds was completely lost on writer-director-star Harold "Hal" Warren. He simply gathered up all of those short strips of film, stuck them together and called it a movie. This explains why almost every shot consists of ten seconds of an actor staring blankly into space, followed by five seconds of the actor looking off camera, probably receiving helpful direction from Warren ("We’re rolling! …Yes, right now! Say your line! Say your freaking line!"), followed at long last by the actor delivering his or her line in a flat monotone, before staring back into space and waiting for somebody to yell "cut." The resulting film redefines the word "leaden" – everything feels like one big pause that goes on for eternity. At one point, you can even see the slate, or "clapperboard," as it’s pulled out of frame at the start of a scene!
Our story begins with an all-American family driving through the countryside. We see endless shots of featureless scrubland trundling by. Boy, do we see it. Due to the nature of the camera, shots like this can only go on for 30 seconds, so every 30 seconds we dissolve to…the exact same barren landscape! This goes on and on and on, without any dialogue to relieve the tedium. Aaaaaaaarrrgh! Why re-create the experience of a long boring car trip on film? Nobody likes them in real life! That’s why magnetic Parcheesi was invented!
Hopelessly lost, the family decides to spend the night at a ranch house occupied by "Torgo," a jittery weirdo with giant, deformed knees. This is where the movie goes from being merely boring to bafflingly surreal. As Torgo, John Reynolds gives one of the most bizarre, irritating performances ever captured on film. He moves with all the confidence and grace of a palsied geriatric trying to walk on the wing of an airborne jet plane. His voice quavers uncontrollably. Everything he does seems to take hours to accomplish, and all of the other characters just stand there and watch him without helping. He doesn’t resemble a human being so much as a horde of squirrels trying to impersonate a human by standing on each other’s shoulders and wearing a hat and coat. "I am Torgo," he sputters, "I take care of the place while the Master is away."
So who is this "Master" of whom Torgo speaks? Well, that’s not exactly made clear. There’s a big portrait of him in the living room, looking evil and posing with a demonic "hellbeast," so he’s probably a bad guy. Cue lots of family discussions over whether or not they should continue to stay in this house of evil.
Little do they know that the next room contains what appears to be the "Stonehenge" set from This is Spinal Tap (1984), with the Master himself sleeping on a stone slab amidst lots of dry ice fog. He’s surrounded by his brides, women in diaphanous white nighties who lean up against posts with their eyes closed. The Master quickly establishes himself as an authority figure (by bellowing "Silence!" when nobody is speaking), but is unable to keep his womenfolk in line. Before you know it, an argument has broken out over the fate of the intruders, and all of the brides wrestle each other to the ground – a virtual whirlpool of chiffon and hairspray. Eventually the family decides it’s time to leave this hellish slumber party. The dad shoots the Master in the face several times, and the Master responds by glaring at him and going out of focus. Then, of course, it’s time for the notorious twist ending.
"Manos" The Hands of Fate has always been treasured by bad movie lovers, but it really jumped to fame when it appeared on the popular TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000. It became one of the most popular episodes – not because of any particularly amusing antics from Joel and the ’bots, but simply because of the pure awfulness of the movie. It really does need to be seen to be believed. |
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