| Where are all the sexy Calgary bands? Sure, a lot of the players look sexy, but what about the music?
In preparation for Valentine’s Day, I combed through my little black book of Calgary musicians and called them all, trying to get their advice on one thing – since I only listen to Calgary bands, who should I listen to while making love this Valentine’s Day?
The results are disturbing. As Matt Masters put it: "You may be recognizing a local crisis here. I’m having a tough time thinking of what I would listen to. I think I like listening to ladies’ voices while I’m, you know…. Falconhawk? They’ve got a beat…. you can keep time to it."
Masters’s comments at least address DJ Gary Powers’s (CJSW/Dance Mthrfckr) concerns: "I don't really know if anyone in Calgary makes good ‘get down’ music, whether it's the kind you get dirty with, or the lovemaking kind of music. It makes me wonder whether musicians in Calgary actually ever have sex. Like, seriously. Do they?"
Helvis don’t hesitate to respond that not only do they do "it," but they have contingency plans. "It depends on what kind of love you’re makin.' If you're talkin' drunk, angry, sloppy love – and you're a dirty-birdy – then, the obvious choice is Dry Fisted," says Helvis member Helvis Spice. "If you're makin' the melty-milk-chocolate-y-heart love, then you're gonna wanna throw The Dudes on."
For other musicians that I talked to, there seemed to be a domino effect of bands picking each other. While Helvis is "frolicking" to the Dudes, Dan Vacon (The Dudes/Dojo Workhorse) says that if he’s in love with a girl he’ll spin Vailhalen, and if it’s a passing thing, Helvis. Dolly Sillito from Vailhalen picked Dojo Workhorse.
I got the feeling that most bands were just picking a band for the sake of "it." Some bands were on-side with Gary Powers; Jackson Phibes of Forbidden Dimension thinks that since there are no bands in Calgary named "Barry White" or "Mae Questal," that at this time it's impossible to "make love" to any music from here. Which is fair enough – I know Phibes likes fatties.
For few bands, it almost turned into a question of who they’d "do." Nikola Tesla described how wild they go for Casey Lewis’s singing in The Failure. Gravy of Whitey Houston (let’s face it, they practically live here) says that the Cape May’s singing makes his pants fall off.
A few talked about doing themselves, Cripple Creek Fairies picked themselves (their CD even comes with a "pleasure hole"), and The Rocky Fortune apparently masturbate to The Pants Situation.
Chris Dadge of Bent Spoon Trio/Jay Crocker and The Hairy Apes picked "Wrecking Ball" by Gunther. Woogie. Very insightful.
Another point of interest is those who picked dead bands. Lions and Tigers and Bears picked the defunct Reverie Sound Revue, Lucid 44 picked the looong defunct Lotus Galaxy.
What do you think, then, Gary Powers? I guess we haven’t unequivocally resolved whether local bands have sex with other people, but you can rest easy, knowing that I picked my sexy song, Chixdiggit’s "I Wanna Hump You." A sensual love song that lasts for almost three minutes – plenty of time. |
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