| While mainstream hip hop continued to dominate the sales charts in 2005, arguably the most intriguing aspect of hip hop was not how many of these artists made stellar albums last year, but how the artists used (whored?) the genre for their own purposes. Here are some predictions of what you might see from the bangers and shot-callers in 2006.
· Jay-Z goes back into hip hop retirement –Citing Michael Jordan as his model for retirement, Jay-Z realizes it is a good time to retire again, in light of doing questionable guest appearances on other artists' tracks in 2005. He will focus on making his millions by running his record label, co-owning the New Jersey Nets of the National Basketball Association and, if required, hustling Beyonce for some Benjamins.
· The Kanye West and Mike Myers Variety Show – West's unscripted "George Bush doesn't care about black people" tirade during a 2005 hurricane relief fundraiser catches the attention of reality TV producers looking to cash in on the chemistry gold between West and the non-confrontational Myers for some genuine entertainment.
The show's premise revolves around West and Myers travelling the country doing live, feel-good stories. Myers continues to read from the teleprompter like a nervous eighth-grader, knowing that at any given moment West will have another Bush administration outburst. First episode: Wives helping other wives who lost their soldier husbands in Iraq.
His show gets canned when Myers succumbs to an on-air nervous breakdown.
· Taking shots at 50 Cent – As if releasing a CD, a movie, an autobiography and a video game last year wasn't enough, the ubiquitous 50 Cent builds his own thug amusement park. Among the attractions include roller-coaster drive-by shootings, cotton candy you can freebase and a shooting range littered with cutouts of 50 Cent in various thug poses. Every cutout that is hit nine times is retired from the range by carnies and patched up with fake tattoos and scars in honour of the overexposed rapper that refuses to die – figuratively and literally speaking, of course.
· I’ve Got 99 Problems But A Commish Ain't One –Taking the "bring no bling" dress code a step further in the National Basketball Association, the commissioner, David Stern, bans hip hop music from being played in any NBA building, including the locker rooms. Not surprisingly, the handful of players who moonlight as angry rappers are upset by the decision, but not enough to do anything to risk their bloated, and very comfortable, NBA salaries. Sensing a potential loss of income from the use of his songs during NBA games, Jay-Z comes out of retirement to collaborate with Charlotte Bobcats minority co-owner, Nelly, on an edgy polka stadium anthem about hustling, rebelling and respecting those who control your vested interests. |
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