| Dear Josey,
My boyfriend and I have a three-year committed relationship. This year, we had our first threesome and did exactly what you’ve advised in the past about trying it: got lap dances at a strip club, communicated about how we felt and decided friends were out of the question so we hired an escort. We talked about boundaries beforehand and, overall, it was a great experience. I didn't feel jealous seeing her give him a blowjob – in fact, it was surprisingly arousing.
I would do it again, but we can’t afford an escort every few months. I was also bothered by the fact that my boyfriend got personal with the escort. We’ve since turned to the personal ads to find someone to join us, but again, my boyfriend gets curious about the personal life of every candidate while I only want to know them on a sexual level. I’m worried that, if we have another threesome, he and the girl will remain friends while I'd want to cut off all ties. Just like it's weird to have a threesome with a friend, I think it's weird to become friends with someone you’ve had a threesome with. Is this wrong?
Trying Not to Take it Personally
Dear Trying,
You sound like a smart, cool, sexually open woman. But you’re also human. Of course your boyfriend getting personal with other women would be threatening. But, realistically, if the guy’s gonna give up three years with a women he has an open, loving and hot relationship with, for a gal you invite into your bed for one night, he’s an idiot. As for your conflicted feelings about using these women purely for sex, hey, you’re dealing with grown-ups. If you make it clear to everyone involved that it’s just about sex, no one has to get hurt.
Then make the same rule clear with your boyfriend. Surely, if you and he are able to negotiate the boundaries of having an escort suck his dick, you can tell him you don’t want him to get too personal with your auxiliary bed buddies. That doesn’t mean you have to kick the woman out on her ass as soon as you get off, but tell him to keep the pleasantries to, well, pleasantries. It’s a small compromise if he wants the three-way fun to continue. If he doesn’t get it and thinks you’re overreacting, you could always turn the tables, bring another guy to bed and see if he gets it then.
Dear Josey,
I'm a 35-year-old bisexual guy. Recently, my buddy and I had a threesome with a girl and had sex with each other for the first time (we sucked and jerked each other off).
This has happened three more times, always with a woman present. I asked him if he wanted to fool around – just the two of us – but he claims he needs a girl in the picture to get it on with me. He claims that, aside from these isolated experiences, he’s never had sex with a man and doesn’t consider himself bisexual. Do you think he is denying his true bisexual/gay identity (trust me, he sucks my dick better than any girl) or is it possible that he truly can't have sex with a guy unless a woman is participating in the act?
Dear Buddy,
I don’t know if your buddy is denying his true bisexual/gay identity. I do know that he’s told you that he doesn’t consider himself bisexual and that he needs a girl in the picture to get it on with you. Despite how much you believe these are mere "claims," you need to respect them. Sounds like you got a pretty good thing going. Why mess it up by pressuring on the guy? If he is gay or bi, he’ll come around to admitting it in his own time. If he decides he likes things the way they are (and you enjoy his dick-sucking so much), you best focus on finding yourself some more open-minded ladies.
Dear Josey,
Do threesomes really happen or is it just some porno fantasy? My girlfriend and I have tried to meet a third party through personal ads and bars to no avail. We’re thinking of asking a friend but worry about ruining the friendship and risking our own relationship. Is there a way to make this work?
Dear Fantasy,
In answer to your first question, see above. As for how to meet people, just as with meeting single people, you gotta keep trying, be it personal ads, bars or online. I avoid dating and sleeping with friends, but others say friends are the way to go when it comes to threesomes because there's a level of familiarity and comfort. But, you’re right, it could get weird. That’s something you’ll have to work out.
More important than finding a third party is making sure you’re both up to this. Are you sure you can handle watching another person sucking, fucking and even kissing your girlfriend? Is she prepared to see you getting it on with another woman? Are the two of you really open and honest and secure about your emotional, sexual and physical relationship?
If not, then putting your love life at risk is a much bigger problem than finding a willing third party.
Nina Hartley's Guide to Swinging is a realistic video detailing the pleasures that a threesome can bring to your relationship, while touching on some of the insecurity issues that may arise before, during and after.
If You Can’t Get Back Together, Get Even
E-closure.com, a website devoted to helping people gain "emotional finality by sharing a story of a breakup with the world, via the Internet," wants to collect 100 unique breakup letters by February 14 so they can post them on their website, giving people the opportunity to share what is a "universal experience" and "laugh at their past pain," say web creators "Charles" and "Dwayne." |
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