| The conversation started innocently enough: I asked her if anyone had ever complimented her crotch.
The friend with whom I was having this enlightened conversation was telling me she’d recently had her crotch elaborately bejewelled and it just seemed to me that, after all that effort to look perty, she deserved a little verbal appreciation. She had to think about it. She couldn't remember any specific comments beyond some registering of delight and surprise at her hardware.
After last week’s column ("Terms of endearment"), it occurred to me that at least part of the reason we all struggle to find appropriate pet names for our nether regions is because of the shame so many of us still have about our bits (sorry, I still like it, even if it sounds horribly British).
Not only do we struggle to name our "treats," as one reader who responded to last week’s column calls her, well, "treats," we obviously aren't showing enough appreciation for each other’s "treats."
I mean, a gal might tell her guy he’s handsome, for instance, but would she tell him he has a beautiful cock?
I paid a guy this compliment once and he looked at me with surprise. "Wow, no one's ever told me that," he said rather shyly. What a shame, I thought, because it really was quite lovely, as it curved ever so delicately up his abdomen.
And sure, I've had guys say "nice pussy" in the heat of the moment, which is sweet, but some guys get off by sticking their dicks in vacuum cleaners, so I don't exactly trust this comment as a sign of discriminating taste.
Speaking of taste, gastronomical opinions do appear to be more forthcoming.
"You taste salty and delicious/like honey/like a peach," among the compliments women I spoke to have received.
But not all of us are able to accept a compliment.
"Sometimes, women stiffen up when you tell them you like the way they taste," one young man told me. "They don't want to be reminded that they have a taste at all."
Which is understandable when there are people out there like the guy who reportedly gave it a lick and told his girlfriend, "Oh, I didn't think it'd be so acidic." Not everyone is this subtle. One woman told me a guy once simply told her that her crotch "smelled." "I slapped him," she says.
Can you blame us for being sensitive?
As one woman told me: "It's taken me nearly 30 years to escape an upbringing that maintained our genitals were disgusting stinky microbial stews, definitely not to be looked at or admired, God forbid, let alone consumed."
Which is why we love it when a guy says, "Your pussy is beautiful, your lips are delectable, and you taste so sweet that I want to make love to your pussy with my mouth and tongue for hours," as one nice fella said to a woman I spoke to. How could we not oblige?
And how can a gal resist a guy who says, "Wow, your lips are so luscious and tender, it's like French-kissing your face, only sideways!" – another fine compliment one woman received from her man. Another woman I spoke to once had a man say to her, "Oh, we're having a good vagina day," explaining that she was perfectly trimmed, and had just the right amount of moisture and good flavour.
Charming, if you wanna feel like your pussy is being reviewed for Bon Appetit.
I find the flower metaphor a little cheesy, but it seems variations of "it looks like a beautiful flower" are popular. Apparently, they do the trick.
"I tell women it's a wonderful, sweet-tasting flower that blooms when we make love, and I am always amply rewarded," said one fella.
At least it's better than having a guy ask you to "hold back the bush, it's getting in my eyes." "I was mortified," says the recipient of this delightful comment. "I'm blondish and don't have much body hair. It couldn't have been that bushy!"
Now people, this is what I'm talking about. How are we supposed to feel good about ourselves with this kind of nonsense going on?
Guys aren't the only insensitive ones out there. Gals can also be pretty harsh. One guy told me he once had a woman say to him that he "made up in quantity (of semen) for what you lack in potency." Harsh and confusing. Especially when you're in your 20s and too shy to respond.
One guy had a woman tell him he has a porn star cock. I've seen some pretty ugly dicks in porn, but I guess she meant it as a compliment.
Not surprisingly, several guys admit that they like to be complimented about their size even if we're, um, stretching the truth. "I am always pleased when someone says I'm big, even though I know it's not true," says one guy. I don’t always feel like bringing out my inner porn actress ("Oh baby, it's sooo big") and it’s a little unoriginal, but at least it’s something.
But I prefer the compliment one woman says she gave to a lover. "I told him his penis had such a complex personality, and that I had such interesting conversations with it without saying a word."
Another woman says she once told a guy that his cock was nicer than any dildo she'd ever seen because it was attached to him.
"Then I told him that if it were a dildo, I'd definitely pay more than 100 bucks for it." His reaction was to use his "dildo" on her immediately.
Much nicer than having someone you're getting frisky with suddenly say, "Ack! Put it away!" "I complied," says the poor guy on the receiving end of this one.
See? We could stand to be a little kinder to each other's privates. After all, you wouldn't have dinner without complimenting your host on the beautiful table and the fabulous meal, would you? |
Copyright ©2006 FFWD. All rights reserved.