| This August will see the release of Snakes on a Plane (2006), an action thriller starring the one and only Samuel L. Jackson. And some snakes. On a plane! This is quite possibly the coolest title for a movie since Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (2001). The studio briefly flirted with the idea of changing the title to the unacceptably dull Pacific Air Flight 121, but Sam Jackson pooh-poohed the lame name change, citing the original title as the main reason he signed on to the project (good call, Sam!). Since then, movie fans have become so enamoured with the title that if it isn’t released as Snakes on a Plane, there will probably be rioting in the streets.
The plot apparently involves an assassin who tries to silence a witness by releasing a crate-load of venomous snakes during a transpacific flight. That’s about all anybody knows right now. Movie nuts are having a ball filling in the gaps, imagining what sort of havoc a bunch of snakes could wreak on a commercial flight. You fasten your seatbelt and it’s a snake! You open your tiny can of pop and a snake jumps out! You adjust the little air conditioner thingy, and snakes shoot out of the nozzle! Maybe there’ll be a scene in which the captain desperately tries to reach the PA system to warn the passengers, but there’s a constrictor wrapped around his throat! The climax could involve opening the emergency exit, allowing all of the snakes to get sucked out by the evacuating air, while the passengers cling to their seats for dear life. Maybe Jackson will get to repeatedly punch a snake in the face while shouting, "Stay! Down! You limbless! Mother! Fucker!"
Anybody with a sense of humour and a working knowledge of action movie clichés can hear this title, think of a dozen potential scenes and giggle his ass off, and that’s precisely what we’re doing. A web search on "Snakes on a Plane" reveals a plethora of hilarious speculation, as fans construct scripts for the perfect trailer, in which snakes try to sneak through customs wearing bowler hats and fake moustaches, while that action movie voice-over guy grimly intones "But there was one thing they didn’t count on!" You can even buy fan-made merchandise, such as T-shirts depicting snakes peering out through the windshield of a 747. The actual film isn’t likely to be as fun as the speculation, so enjoy it while it lasts. Meanwhile, we’ve already got two films that could have been called "Snakes on a Submarine" and "Snake in a Hostage Crisis." Let’s take a look, shall we?
· Fer De Lance (1974) is a made-for-TV movie about a beleaguered submarine overrun by snakes. Frank Bonner plays the idiot who buys a basket full of poisonous vipers during shore leave and brings them on board the sub, so we get to see an entire naval vessel jeopardized by the actions of "Herb Tarlek" from WKRP. These particular serpents are small and sneaky, so the first few victims don’t even know they’ve been bitten until they start feeling the effects of the venom a few minutes later. Then everybody gets dizzy and collapses, in a scene reminiscent of the food poisoning sequence from Airplane! (1980), only played for drama instead of laughs. The sub plunges 1,000 feet below the surface, plowing into the ocean floor and getting buried in a rockslide. The crew has to pull together and get out of this mess while avoiding deadly vipers. It’s more of a submarine-in-jeopardy movie than a snake movie, but considering that this was made for TV, it’s not bad at all. Look for it as part of the Killer Snakes DVD collection from Brentwood Home Video, together with Snake People (1971), Snake Woman (1961) and the softcore sex ’n’ snakes oddity Black Cobra Woman (a.k.a. Erotic Eva, a.k.a. Black Cobra) (1976) starring Laura Gemser and Jack Palance.
· Venom (1982) is even wilder and more fun than Fer De Lance. A plot to kidnap a young boy goes awry and the kidnappers (Oliver Reed and Klaus Kinski!) find themselves trapped in the boy’s London townhouse while the police (led by Nicol Williamson) lay siege to the building. To make matters worse, there’s a deadly Black Mamba snake loose in the house, slithering through the heating ducts and striking at random. Anybody who’s seen Kill Bill Volume II (2004) knows that the Black Mamba is the deadliest, most poisonous snake in the world, and here it’s the star of the show. When it strikes, it goes straight for the face and attacks repeatedly. You won’t soon forget the sight of the mamba slithering up Reed’s pant leg, or Kinski’s hilarious slow-motion wrestling match with the deadly reptile. The recent DVD release of Venom from Blue Underground is reportedly excellent (I settled for my dusty old VHS copy to research this column).
Hope that keeps you snake fans happy until this summer. Thank you for flying Air Vulture. Exits are located here, here, and…
"Hisssssss!"
AAAAAAAGH! |
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