| I know a writer of erotica who keeps a list of sex terms beside her computer to draw from whenever she needs yet another way to describe whatever sex act her characters are about to engage in. I don't keep a list, but after writing a weekly sex column for more than a decade, I sometimes feel like I need one. For example, it can get tiresome trying to find different phrases for "down there."
Especially given the plethora of icky terms for, well, the "crotch" region (or "cratch" as a friend jokes, pronounced, of course, with a thick southern twang).
Anatomically correct terms are equally unsexy. "Genitals" sounds like Geritol. Vagina and penis are so perfunctory – and yes, I realize that "vagina" isn't even the proper anatomical term, but would you really rather use "vulva"?
There simply aren't many good names for the whole package, or "the unit," as one woman I spoke to prefers. I'm rather attached to "niggly bits" or plain old "bits," but I've been scolded that these are "horribly British." So, what are my options: "Flamboro Fluffy Sausage Wallet"? Yes, one woman actually heard this one.
How do other people deal with this naming problem?
One woman suggested calling it "downtown," (as opposed to "uptown," another fun region on the ladies), which is kinda cute.
For many, it all depends on context. One gal says that at doctor's appointments she uses vagina, but during sex she prefers pussy or cunt, "depending on the mood."
"Pussy" is by far the favoured term for ladies' privates.
"It sounds wet and juicy and inviting," says one woman. "Purring the word in a man's ear at, say, a public function yields wonderful results."
"It's a little mysterious and slinky," says another. "Purring contentedly one minute, savage and fierce the next – a skilled stalker and hunter, yet affectionate and soft." But another woman tells me she finds the term infantalizing, "like a woman's pussy is some kind of bright-eyed little-girl plush toy." Still, she says, "it seems all the other words I can think of are hard, and have a derogatory connotation, like twat or cunt."
Though, as another woman put it, "Cunt is very naughty so it has its moments."
She’s not the only woman I know who likes the "C" word. Another fan tells me, "I think it wields huge power. It's visceral, potent. Red. Intense."
Some terms are universally disliked, like "beaver." As one woman explains, "It conjures up images of coarse beaver skins being thrown about some outback hunting cabin." And besides, says another woman, "it looks nothing like a beaver."
If you think it's tough finding good names for our girly bits, have a go at the boys. As one woman told me, "There is no term I find adequate."
I know what she means. I mean, "weiner"? Really now.
"Cock" seems to be the preference. "I think of the rooster metaphor, where the cock is the first one up in the morning, crowing loudly and proudly, strutting around the barnyard, and it seems appropriate," says one woman.
Most guys prefer "cock," especially while doing it, whereas "dick" is often used when chatting with the fellas (one guy I spoke to likes "Richard" as the, ahem, "long form") and "penis" in mixed company.
"'Cock' is nice and traditional, and rather versatile," says one guy. "It can be used as a noun or an adverb and it can sound as nasty or as vanilla as you like."
"Let's not forget the balls," adds another guy. No, let's not.
So...? "I just call them 'my balls.'" See, and that just doesn't get me wet. A female friend says she prefers to call them "almonds." Sweeter than "nuts," no?
I have a soft spot for the Spanish term "los cojones," but again, not so sexy in the heat of passion.
Borrowing from other languages and cultures can be risky. "Los ping-pongs" – another Spanish term for "balls" – is amusing, but a little too cute. "Omanko," the Japanese term for "pussy," is nice, but the male equivalent, "chimpo," might not go over so well in the sack. And while one woman I spoke to likes Yoni (an ancient term for the female sex that's popular among the Tantric set) because it sounds like a yummy flavour of ice cream, another told me anyone using this should be gagged.
Obviously, naming our privates is a matter of personal taste. One man's "Sperm Toilet" is another's "Bunny Hollow." He might think "dinkydoink" is perfectly acceptable, but she might find it weird coming from a guy who is, say, an adult. Ditto for hearing a grown woman refer to her vulva as her "nunny" or "my 'P'" – which stands for "pee-pee" or "pussy."
As far as I'm concerned, childhood names for your, um, nether regions (you see the challenge) should be left in childhood. Like "bippy." As in, "My mom used to tell me to dress warmly, so I wouldn’t ‘freeze my bippy off!'"
This also goes for naming your parts after characters from childhood, like "Gumby" and "Pokey," as one woman confesses she and her partner have named each other's bits. Others are more romantic. One couple I spoke to refers to each other's genitals as Juliet Woo and Romeo.
Then again, I supposed this is better than "Purple Helmet Mayonnaise Cannon," a name for his dink that almost rivals "Flamboro Fluffy Sausage Wallet" for the ladies. "Velvet Taco" – a fun term for the ladies – kinda works for me, but, I dunno, "Kidney Wiper," "Beef Syringe" and "Fish Hook" are just a little over-the-top.
But I think my favourite nickname came from a guy who says he simply refers to his wife's "kitty" as "home." As in, "Ahh, home again." Sweet, ain’t it? |
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