| I've never been a fan of long-term goals. I don't mind a rough game plan, but I prefer to play things by ear. It leaves more of a margin for possibility.
Plus, if we spend all our time living in some imagined future in which all our goals are met, we often don’t deal with who we’re becoming as a person en route to said goals. So, this year, rather than set any lofty goals or make a few sure-to-be-broken resolutions, take stock of the present and see where you're at on the road to being the kind of person you'd like to spend the rest of your life with.
To help in your reflection, here's a handy checklist of some of life's most popular personal struggles:
Self-confidence
And I don't mean the kind of cocky self-assuredness that so many try to pawn off as self-confidence. Have you got over that feeling that you're fooling everyone and started truly believing in yourself? Are you still letting your insecurities run your life? Send $19.95 to the address on your screen.…
But, seriously, for example, when's the last time you let someone you respect criticize something you've done – without secretly wishing them grave harm?
Envy
How you cope with envy is a good indication of your level of self-confidence. It may have been OK in high school to stack the locker of the guy who humiliated you by telling the girl you had a crush on that you were a bed-wetter. But, as difficult as it is, you eventually have to accept that others can also be good, or even better, at some things. It's cheating, but you can ease into it by admitting someone you’re envious of may be better at some things, knowing you’re way better at others (and he’s probably a bed-wetter anyway, right?). You know you've really got envy licked when you can let that tactic go and accept that people are good at different things and that’s a good thing.
"I always try to look at myself from an outsider's perspective and think of the things they might admire about me," is how one friend tells me he deals with feelings of envy.
Fear of failure
This is often why we feel envious of others. We're terrified we’ll never be able to accomplish what they have. What's really gonna happen if you fail? You’ll be struck by lightning or condemned to a life of Everyone Loves Raymond reruns? The first is unlikely and you’re already being subjected to the last one, so what’s stopping you? Besides, who hasn't learned the best lessons in life from their mistakes? I say fail, fail again. Just don't stop trying.
Kindness
If we’re truly confident, kindness should be second nature. Do you consider yourself a conscientious person? This doesn’t simply mean you remember birthdays or to bring someone flowers once in awhile (though these are welcome prerequisites).
True kindness means you are aware of the consequences of your actions and your words. It means you are able to put yourself in someone else's shoes at any time and act accordingly. It means not being a jerk.
Joy
When's the last time you felt real joy in your life? In fact, do you even know what makes you really happy? Not just I-got-the-last-free-dryer-in-the-laundromat happy, but happy like when you were a kid and had a whole summer stretched out before you. What would it take to make you experience that kind of joy again – without drugs or alcohol?
Friendship
My true, blue, scrape-me-out-of-the-gutter-once-in-awhile friendships are my greatest source of joy. A guy I met complained to his therapist that he couldn't find any friends. "There are no friends out there," was the therapist's response. "Friendships are created – by us."
And our friendships, like our relationships, are only as good as we make them. How much effort do you put into your friendships? Do you know what you need or expect from your friends and how to get it – without having to resort to bribery?
Work
Along with friends, work is supposed to be a source of satisfaction, and, yes, joy in our lives. That's why we're all so happy to be back at it, right?
Our first question when we meet someone is often, "What do you do?" That emphasizes how much a person's entire identity is tied to how they receive (or don't receive) a paycheque. If poverty wasn’t such a drag, I think occasional unemployment would be good for us – especially if it got us thinking about how we define success in our culture. How much does your work define who you are? If you suddenly found yourself unemployed, what would you do? Are there things that your work stops you from doing that you would like to do?
Creativity
Probably the most common thing people say work stops them from doing – except maybe those who are lucky enough to make a living off their art – is exploring their creative side. Most of us never do – no doubt, in large part because of our fear of failure. But tapping into this part of oneself can really help bring the rest of this stuff together.
Love
The grand prize. Love pulls it all together, right? Well, if you haven't yet, it might be time to let that belief go and start realizing it works the other way.
And since I'm getting all sappy on ya, I might as well say it: you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Well, it's true. That old notion that you’ll meet the "right" person, fall in love and the rest will just follow is naive. Figuring out what you really want from a relationship and then finding it is a more realistic, albeit bigger, challenge. Why do you think we’d rather complain about it than do the work?
Happy new year. |
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