| (A quick note/disclaimer/apology: while I am in no way responsible for any of the following, I was completely involved, complicit and part of pretty much everything discussed below. Except the Black Eyed Peas. I really, really hate the Black Eyed Peas.)
· Celebrity Gossip — With websites like defamer.com and thesuperficial.com becoming required daily viewing for hipsters, and Star and US Weekly replacing those fancy furniture design and architecture books you never read as coffee table accessories, celebrity gossip was this year’s version of 2004’s embrace of mainstream R&B and hip hop by indie kids everywhere. Bitchy, cutting and utterly vapid reports on clubs most of us will never even see the awning of, and blurred photos of what might be a smoking and preggo Britney moved from the pages of The Enquirer to these self-aware, tongue-in-cheek websites that cashed in on what has become the dominant currency of discourse – the in-joke. The writers from these sites made it clear that they thought all this Lohan crashing, Tara Reid binging, and Tom Cruise ranting was ridiculous – just like we did. Yet here we were, logging on at the beginning and end of the day, and it wasn’t about being in on the in-joke. It’s because we actually, truly, really wanted to know what was going on with Brad and Jen and Ange. Just because it was written in a voice readymade for jaded twentysomethings doesn’t change the fact that we were actually, truly, really weirded out by TomKat on a deeply personal level. Admit it, and move on.
Oh yes. Celebrity couples’ names being combined into one word. Seriously, is our attention span so short that we need to refer to Brangelina, Beniffer and TomKat? Really? They are?
· Black Eyed Peas – OK, I can’t even begin to describe what is wrong with this band, or with the fact that so many people love them. They rhyme "humps" and "lumps," Fergie couldn’t look more pinched if you put a head in a vice and if I see one more use of the word "funk" instead of "fuck" anywhere, I am going to hurt a kitten. I don’t care who you are, where you’re from or what sort of intellect you possess, the word "lump" is not sexy. It’s gross. BEP make 2 Live Crew seem kinda sensual, and that’s just wrong.
· Speaking of, 2005 was the year of sex jamz. Terrible, awful, Marvin-Gaye-rolling-in-his-grave sex jamz. Has our culture seriously devolved to the point that Marquez Houston can sing a sex jam containing lyrics such as "Six wit you/is like waking up to the good old smell of breakfast like momma used to make." Or that R Kelly details not only the vein about to pop in his head but also the leg cramp he gets while making sweet love with his girlfriend in "Trapped in the Closet"? And The Ying Yang Twins are wooing women by promising to "beat that pussy up"? People actually get down with this on in the background? Um, yikes.
· Oh, and about R Kelly. It isn’t so much that I hate R Kelly, but for a dude who allegedly was in possession of child porn – twice – and was videotaped giving a golden shower to an underage girl, he’s had a helluva year. Let’s see, he recorded one of the worst records of the year with a "retired" Jay Z, went on tour with Jay Z, broke down crying onstage several times while on tour with Jay Z, quit the tour with Jay Z, accused one of Jay Z’s entourage of pepper- spraying him, sued Jay Z for $75 million, was countersued by Jay Z for $75 million, and released 12 installments of a song that has exactly the same music in each one and tells an utterly incomprehensible story, debuted one of them with an astonishingly weird pantomime performance at an awards show and then released a DVD of the accompanying videos that included commentary and a midget coming out from a cupboard and fainting. Holy. Shit. Dude.
· The second wave of the second wave of post punk. The fact that Gang of Four put out an album on which they re-recorded a bunch of their songs from their heyday (read: one album) on the same day as Franz Ferdinand released their sophomore record should tell you something. And that something is "oh fer chrissakes!" Note to anyone who talks about music ever – the word "jerky" in relation to guitars or rhythms means absolutely nothing anymore. In fact, it means negative – it sucks meaning out of other words, including "tightly wound" and "slicing guitars." Thank God "angular" got retired a few years back.
· The O.C. – I admit I championed this show hard at the beginning. And I could rant about the clichés and characters and crap endings and how it’s all gone down the tubes and how Laguna Beach is so much better and everything. I could also complain about the fact that the show has created its own genre of over produced major label indie rock (referred to as O.C.. Rock) and its role in helping to establish the cult of the beautiful, young, rich, dangerously underweight teen girl (see: Olsons, Duffs, Lohans, Ritchies, Hiltons). But we’ve all moved on, so why bother?
· Anderson Cooper, please – just go away for awhile.
· Blogs. WTF? It took media this long to "spot the trend"? So a whole bunch of kids keep diaries, except they’re in a public space and then they wonder why their friends hate them after they call them a douche on their livejournal? This is news? Oh wait – there’s all those serious, utterly reliable, never questionable news blogs, too, and every journalist in the world is supposed to have one, and I totally believe that’s Jessica Simpson posting on her blog and not a publicist. If it’s on a website it must be true.
· MySpace. Great. So now we can all be friends with a bunch of bands we’ve never heard but would hate if we did. And maybe if we’re lucky some camera whore will start messaging us in broken English. And spend all day searching for people we haven’t seen since Junior High. And basically have all our productivity obliterated by maintaining relationships with what will more often than not be people you have nothing in common with and would hate to be around in person for more than 10 minutes. And do inane survey after inane survey that reveals utterly uncompelling deets about you and your life and that time you broke the law and why would I tell the world if I secretly wanted to have sex with someone in my Top 8. And leaving comments like "THANX 4 DA ADD!! AWESOME!" And because we all add a bunch of people whose profiles we’ll never even glance at because goddammit I only have 127 friends and everyone else is at, like, 300. (Incidentally, if you want to add me, I’m at myspace.com/garypowers. Seriously. I’ve only got 127 friends. I’m not even worthwhile. Help me.)
Oh, on a related computer note: podcasts. It’s not like TiVo for radio. It’s not revolutionary. It is simply a different way to receive music or information or television. What would be truly revolutionary is if most of them didn’t absolutely suck.
· Montreal is so hot right now OMGOMGOMG. Dear Montreal, thanks for making indie bands everywhere think that yelping is better than singing. And for causing people everywhere to start bands featuring accordions and violins because it’s so cool. I hope you enjoyed your time in the spotlight. Portland has been declared the new you already. Sincerely, music.
· Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah. Or Clap Your Hands and Say Meh. Or Fold Your Hands and Say Bah. Or just shut up already. Please. Clap Your Hands Say Sorry But You Were Over Before You Started (thanks, Hannah).
And yes I admit it – Kelly Clarkson’s "Since U Been Gone" is an incredibly catchy song. So don’t worry. Everything is going to be OK. Here’s to 2005 – Year of suck. |
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