| Another year, another sex scandal. Wait a minute, 2005 was decidedly lacking in sex scandals. No interns smoking the president’s "cigar." No Tommy and Pam or Paris and, er, who was that guy again? Not even a measly exposed nipple to get into a flap over.
But that doesn’t mean 2005 was lacking in sexual high… and lowlights. So here they are – My Messy Bedroom’s 2005 awards for the best and worst in sex.
· Greatest legal victory that moves gay people closer to being almost as boring as straights: The legalization of gay marriage. Don’t get me wrong, from a human rights perspective, of course, homosexuals should have just as much right to marry as heterosexuals. That’s a no-brainer. But I still have to wonder why gay people, usually so ahead of the fashion curve, would want so badly to get in on such an increasingly unfashionable institution.
· Best social trend that moves heterosexuals closer to being almost as fun as homosexuals goes to the changing face of monogamy. Former Nerve columnists Em & Lo describe how complicated "living happily ever after" has become in last month’s New York Magazine cover story: "The New Monogamy: Until death do us part – except every other Friday." According to the story, more and more couples are custom-designing monogamy to fit their own needs, maturely negotiating everything from open relationships to maybe a lap dance for your partner here or a threesome there. Is this a sign of a more permanent evolution or is it only a matter of time before the pendulum swings back and good old-fashioned monogamy, and cheating, are once again de riguer?
· Most telling statement made by an American television network executive in a meeting to discuss developing a new TV show about sex: "Sex is out. Relationships are in."
· Best porn that isn’t really porn: Made In Secret: The Story of the East Van Porn Collective is a "documentary" about an anarcho-feminist porn collective that wanted to make porn they actually liked. Only the collective didn’t really exist until they started making the documentary and realized they needed a collective to document and there was no porn except for the porn they had to make in order to make the documentary about them making porn. Yes, it’s a complicated, brilliant, multi-layered film that has you questioning your beliefs about sex, porn, representation and whether one can really make such a thing as "smart" porn. Check out more at www.eastvanporncollective.org.
· Best thing that has happened to pornography: Women. If you need proof, pick up a copy of Naked Ambition: Women Who are Changing Pornography, a collection of intelligent, candid essays by women like Tristan Taormino, Danni Ashe and Montreal’s own Seska Lee (www.seska.com), in which they share their thoughts on how porn has liberated them, challenged them and even helped them to "claim their sexual lives on their own terms." Writes Nina Hartley: "Porn is supposed to objectify men and women. That’s its function. There’s a time to say, ‘I don’t want to talk about it, just put your hand on my tit.’"
· Most long-overdue acceptable behaviour by women: Casual sex. Not only did author and casual-sex banner waver Chelsea Handler chronicle her hilarious and often drunken one-night stand adventures in My Horizontal Life, there was even a manual with Brief Encounters: The Women’s Guide to Casual Sex by Emily Dubberley. I’m not saying we gals should all become sluts, but guys have had this market cornered far too long. And besides, wasn’t feminism all about choice?
· Most realistic sexual relationship in a commercially released movie: Clement Virgo’s Lie With Me adapted from Tamara Faith Berger’s book of smutty short stories of the same name. As one woman who saw the advanced screening with me said: "I feel like I’ve just been through a relationship." And she meant the real kind, not the Hollywood version.
· Best "how will I explain that odd piece of furniture to my mother when she comes over" sex toy: The Body Bouncer (www.bodybouncer.com). Imagine a kind of rubber saddle with a hole in the middle mounted on a frame that you place over a male partner’s crotch for hours of bouncy "look Ma, no hands" fun. Of course, it’s all fun and games until you bounce and miss and he ends up with a broken wiener.
· Most alarming sexual health concern: Rising rates of syphilis. Almost wiped out in the ’90s when cases dropped to .5 per 100,000, we’re now seeing five to six cases per 100,000.
· Most annoying media obsession: Teen sexuality. As Alex McKay of the Sexual Information and Education Council of Canada told me he said to yet another journalist interviewing him for yet another alarmist and ill-informed media article about how young people are running around having sex practically before they’re born and girls are handing out blow jobs like candy: "Either all your editors are perverts obsessed with teen sexuality or they have teenage children and are terrified of them becoming sexual."
· Most disturbing fashion trend: Designer vaginas. According to a Globe and Mail article earlier this year, women are spending thousands at clinics like the Vaginal Rejuvenation Clinic in L.A where Dr. Matlock – considered the "Picasso of Vaginas" – performs everything from labia reductions to $1,800 G-shots, collagen-based injections into a woman’s G-Spot that supposedly amplify orgasms. (Honorable mention: Anal bleaching. Why people? That’s all I ask.)
CORRECTION
Brenda Kerber, owner of The Traveling Tickle Trunk (www.travelingtickletrunk.com), set me straight about Sue Johansen’s new sex toy line I mentioned in my December 1 column ("Toys of Joy"). While the toys are marketed as "silicone," they are actually made from "silicone-based TPR" (Thermoplastic Rubber) and don’t withstand heat as well as silicone. One of her customers boiled a "Sue toy" to clean it and it melted. Kerber says toys only need to be 10 per cent silicone to be marketed as silicone. Sue’s toys are still a step up from many other fancy bells-and-whistles vibrators out there, but I thought you should know. |
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