| Princess Pie Hole has opinions. Into her pie hole goes food. Out of her pie hole comes opinions. Because of this, two Fast Forward editors decided to send her on a 2005 food pilgrimage.
"Go and stuff yourself with all manner of food," said the first editor, pointing east, south, north, then west.
"And then send word of it," added the second editor.
The princess travelled anonymously about Calgary’s food kingdom. Twelve waxing and waning moons yielded gastronomical surprises and lessons for Princess Pie Hole. She offers her year in review.
Wandering far and wide, grazing on diet food, hospital food and furniture-store cuisine, she discovered that one must trust the recommendations of servers with clean aprons and then tip those servers handsomely. It’s a karmic law of the universe that in 10 years time, a cheapskate will be referred for a colonoscopy to the poorly tipped server-turned-gastrointestinal specialist. Other pearls of wisdom gleaned from her journey: picnics are cool; all tomatoes and tiramisù are not created equal, as Mercato proved; and don’t take restaurant suggestions from individuals who seek out Sandra Bullock movies.
The spring turned to summer and the princess continued her search for a decent plate of grub. Prairie oysters at Buzzards weren’t the answer – this rite of passage packed the wrong kind of punch and didn’t garner the respect it deserved. Never trust ice cream that refuses to melt at room temperature, such as ice cream sandwiches. Opt, instead, for ice cream à la minute at Teatro. "Speeling misteaks" on menus are the signatures of amateurs.
Princess Pie Hole happily discovered Meat Magician Bob at Second to None Meats and has twice wooed suitors with what Ritchie Breen (of upcoming St. Germaine) affectionately coined "Poulet Amour." Curry at Canmore’s Crazy Weed is strongly recommended. When it comes to parties and entertaining, fear not – Infuse Catering or Fairy Godmother Janice Beaton from Janice Beaton Fine Cheeses will suit you up with the perfect hors d'oeuvres ensemble. The rotisserie is on scene and the forno oven is nervous. Restaurant chains are ideal for dining scaredy-pants.
The fall and winter gave birth to Alexis and The Tribune. Mercato extended its hours and menu, blossoming into the dining establishment it was destined to be. Earl’s menus – with their heartening and tasty improvements – persist with their depictions of barely pubescent individuals we neither know nor care about, in the manner of a bad Hallmark card. Teatro renovated and now performs beyond our wildest dreams. The Mercury continues to play hard-to-get.
"Oh, if only I could dine forever with six or seven firefighters, cradled in a new Teatro booth," she fantasized. "Perhaps Edwin of Teatro could choose our wine, Gary from Alexis could serve it, and then we could feast ourselves on the Tribune’s escabeche and risotto. My heroic knights and I could finish with warm gingerbread cake from Earl’s."
And after all of this – and an additional 10 pounds of weight – Princess Pie Hole emerged with one royal and raging question: "Why, in the name of Kingdom Come, was our beloved Mescalero ripped from our hearts by the Condo Dragons?"
Oh, Mescalero! the love of Princess Pie Hole’s dining life – how she pines for the temple of turquoise and terra cotta! There are phantom pains in the heels of her distressed cowboy boots, treasured snags in her denim. And so her share of food reviews this year is dedicated to the spicy, ambient and ragged-edged memory of Mescalero. RIP (and HNY!). |
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